1. 12th Street Lights in Austin with Zoey and Loretta 2 Riverwalk dinner, lights and swanky drinks at St. Anthony's with Diane 3. Baked 5 dozen cookies 4. Went to 5 parties (Jed, Alecozay, Dawn, Peg, and Work) 5. Saw Avatar with Eric in San Antonio 6. Pho noodles in Carrollton with Eric 7. Saw the Rockettes in Grapevine with Mom 8. Spent the day with Deanne, Brent and sweet baby Allen. 9. Spent many moons with Gma at her house watching CSI and Medium 10. Worked on my scrapbook 11. Made a snowman from the 3" of snow that fell in Dallas
Fun, fun, fun! Oh yes, I did NO work and had a WHITE Christmas!
This year Christmas is a bit harder to make a list for. There are the things that are un-buyable, like Mouser's Health, but none that are small and simple. So, I am making a list but most of all I would like help paying for my senior dogger as she battles the disease ahead. At Mom's Request: Money for Mitzie's Medical Care My UT Class Ring Money to get the other tree taken down
I know all are hard to give and money centered, but it is what I need and what would really help.
I went to TWO parties this Saturday and had the best time.
Party #1 was a guy I had never met, but was set up with through his mother. She met me whilst I was buying a chair from her off craigslist. She stood in the parking lot where we met to exchange money for chair and invited me to the birthday/graduation party of her son. Weird I know! Because I had his email from the responses about the chair, I emailed him to check the water about attending. We've been emailing for 2 weeks. Of course, now, after the party, I am waiting to hear from him...But Anita and I went to the shindig and had fun drinking bear and talking to his friends and family. I thought it might feel weird, but actually it was quite fine. I think he is cute!
Party#2 was an invite through my gynocologist. I know. I am just trying to be more open so a man kind fall into my life! So, in that I received this party invitation. When I told a San Antonio native friend of mne about it, she was impressed. Evidently these are special invites to a special elitist party put on by the fabulous of San Antonio. It was awesome. Out on a ranch in south San, it was a-light with lights when we walked up at about 9. I had come home from my first party and changed for a black-tie affair and switched dates. This time Loretta came. Decked in our finest, we danced, drank and watched the people party on. Of course, this new found doctor of mine kept asking if I had, "found my new husband," but still it was completely a blast. I think he is Lebanese or maybe Armenian so the food was strange and wonderful (about 15 birds(turkeys and chickens) on platters of lettuce). But the most fun was watching the belly dancers come in and take the dancing stage. The home was like a palace, huge ceilings and massive. We danced and had a fun time. A student saw me and came over. HE asked, "Dr. Wilson? How did you get in here?" Loretta and I were one of maybe 6 White people. I said I knew people in high places. He smiled. I guess his wife works for the Doctor. It was such fun and beautiful and great.
Most of all, I am proud of myself that I went. I was SO exhausted. It is tiring to go to parties where you know no one and have to forge alliances. I had to do it twice! and in heels!
I have heard that bad things, especially deaths happen in threes. So, since my grandpa’s death in June (29th), let’s just say I have been aware. In October, MitzieMouse was diagnosed and her life cut short. Now I spend mornings feeding her Gerber Graduates one by one. In the evening, I chase her around with a baby spoon putting globs of dinner-dinner on her pallet near her head, praying that the enticing aroma of liver diet food and medicine will waft to her nose and she gobble it. I put it with chicken, bologna, other dog food, trying vehemently to not use too much extra meat, but get her to eat. Death #2 is coming and I am watching it slowly, just like grandpa. My heart is dying too.
Now, I am wondering if I am watching another death: the death of my life as a smart and friend-full person. I have found myself stuck here in San Antonio, watching my Austin friendships fall apart as I wrangle a job I don’t like and that doesn’t like me. The idea of traveling the world has died with my choice to buy an unsellable house in a place that forsakes dogs and cats. Myself as smart person died with my purchase. There is no research here, no time to read and think. No room to be smart again. It is dying. So too has one of my most dear friendships begun to decay and die. It is sputtering, lifeless, not fun, and has plummeted from someone that knew everything about me and who was there for me in the best and worst of time, from conversations with much to say and plans to be had, to nothing. There is nothing to say, nothing to share, no real connection. There is empty space and nothing in common anymore. I must figure a way to be okay with that. There is no other option. You can’t make something live that is dying. You just watch it die.
I am experiencing two deaths at the same time, slowly and unstoppable. #2 and #3.
T-his year is the 4th year at Loretta's cafe.
H-aving turkey, yams, stuffing, potatoes,
A-nd pies galore.
N-o holding back for my diet,
K-icked ass on the Turkey Trot, 5 miles today.
S-o I'm going to eat and eat my favorite:
G-reen bean casserole
I-n the living room, nonetheless!
V-ery informal, yet paired with wine.
I-love Thanksgiving at Loretta's.
N-oon tomorrow, I'll be headed Dallas.
G-ravy, it's all just gravy.
After driving to Austin day before yesterday for Mitzie's vet visit, I returned to San Antonio with another silver Honda trailing. Loretta, her Mouser-loving self, came down to care for Mitzie on Wednesday. Wednesday is my hellish day from which I teach 3 classes and from 1pm till 10pm. By the time I get home, it is after 10:30. Loretta came to care for Mitzie and to insure that she was fed every three hours, got her medicine on schedule, and generally was looked after like a hawk. I can never say how caring it was. I came home last night to dogs walked, fed medicated, and turkey chili and cornbread warm for my meal. I swear I need a housewife. It was so nice to know that someone was there to care for Mitz. I dont know what I would have done without her. It is hard to figure out who really is your friend, who really is there for you, no matter what. No judgment about the fact that she is a dog, no questions, just care. There are not many who just genuinely step up. In fact, sometimes those you expect to be there arent. I am blessed to know her. How lucky I was to live next door. I am so scared and sad to even think about going through this next stage of my life without Mouser. She has been there through everything. She is my angel dog. Thank you Loretta for understanding-and for loving us both.
1. Figure out a diet for Mouser Dog 2. Find and Read 2 new articles for Kathy Griffin 3. Write Final Exam for 5314 4. Gather guided reading videos for Dora's first grade teachers 5. Get an oil change for the Honda
All of these are in addition to normal activity and take TIME. God, help me find time!
My dear friend Loretta's mind-game playing, sweet, pink-nosed, 16 year old kitty had to be put to sleep yesterday. I drove up to Austin to be with Loretta as she decided what would be best for her darling baby onion cat. Clarice the cat had been at the vet's office for days trying to combat a common cold that her frail 5 pound body just couldn't shake. By the time I saw her again, only one week since her diagnosis, she was struggling to breathe and just looked at me with her angel-dust eyes, so sad and miserable. Clarice looked right at me and told me to tell Loretta to let her go. I just felt her say it. Loretta knew. The sadness was palpable as Loretta signed the authorization. We are so much more humane with our animals. So, quietly, peacefully, and most importantly, with love, Clarice Mau-Mau Holland was sent to the great kitty box in the sky where there will be no more needles to poke her, or infections, or kidney disease, or even tail fits. I wish for her: warm red blankets, kitty hash, plenty of snacky-snack, memories of her mommy who loved her so and her Aunt Jenny who spent 7 years working to pet her. We all, Loretta, Aunt Jenny, Mitzie Mouse, and Zoey will miss her. May she rest in peace and proceed to her next life in love.
This is going to be quite a long post, so for those of you who actually read, hang on!
First of all, I got my haircut. As Loretta said, I am no longer sporting the, “Pretty, pretty princess” look. It is now to my chin in the front, short-short in the back, and a bird nest of waves. Sort of trendy, I suppose. I got it cut to help with the hair loss which was quite significant. Losing weight can do that to ya. Also interesting is that I have has excema on my head for so long that scar tissue developed and thus, a bald spot! I really didn’t know it was there until the other hair loss. But boy, my hair is currently a problem. This new cut doesn’t help hide the spot, but it sure is easy! I wash it, put some curl junk on it to combat the frizz, and scrunch it. That is IT! 10 minutes tops. I must say I love that.
As for the weight loss, I am down 50 pounds and about 3 sizes. I now wear a misses 18, or thereabouts. I bought my first size 16 over my birthday and really haven’t lost much since then. It is such a battle. I am still working out an hour in the morning (watching The View at 10am) and then walking Zoey about 3 miles. I do about 35 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the stairs and 15 on the treadmill or the bike-whichever Im in the mood for. I must say that I am not sure what I am going to do once the weather gets cold and walking outside isn’t going to work. Lately, as it has been getting cold, I have added about 30 minutes at the gym. But, it is hard to keep that up and I don’t know what I will do. I think I need a treadmill at home. I am happy with my size though, for the first time in a long time. I like being able to cross my legs easily and sit in an airplane seat (which I am doing right now!) without taking up the whole seat.
My work is troubling right now and I am looking (I’ve only done one application so far, but am actively looking) for a new job. This is hard because: 1) I just bought a house and the market is BAD; 2) Higher ed jobs are scarce in good places and a professor must be willing to go to PoDunk, Georgia and I’m not willing; 3) Im not sure that a higher ed professorship is what I want; 4) My little girl dog is sicky and needs her vet. So, I am not happy where I am, but it is a job, and I am happy to have it for now.
I am currently in route to Charlotte, North Carolina for the annual College Reading Association Conference. My Paper was chosen as “best in show” and given to the editor of one of the most prestigious journals in my field to mentor. I meet with him tomorrow. Also, I have a talk about critical thinking assignments with preservice teachers and my first graduate student (whom now is a full time lecturer with A&M-SA) is presenting on Latina literature in higher education. I get there today at 4 and return Saturday morning. So, only one full day in Charlotte before another plane ride home.
My doggies are spread out all over too. Zoey Lou is at Shelley’s in San Antonio. She loves to play with Azul and Murphy (two big ole lovey lab mixies). Azul is her boyfriend however, so I hope that Shelley and Avery keep eyes on those two. I drove across town this morning and dropped her there at 6:30. Then Mouser and I headed to Austin. Mouser is, of course, staying with her Aunt Wretta whom she was so excited to see this morning that she literally bounded through the grass to get to her! It was totally cute. I hope they get a little dog lovey time. She needs it. Last night she didnt eat well. Clarice, Loretta’s cat, has been sick. She is dying of kidney disease, but has a cold now that has complicated the situation. It is a virtual Sun City Retirement Village on Palma Plaza in Austin for the next couple days.
So, back to grading. I have 110 rough drafts of content area books to grade. I hate grading. Can’t I just give a grade based on what I know? You’re dumb and don’t come to class: F. You’re smart, come to class, give good comments, write well, think well: A+. I know my students. Screw grading.
This morning I got some troubling news. My sweet Mouser has Mycrovascular Displasia, a chronic, deadly liver disease which strips the body's ability to excrete toxins. We are putting her on a low protein diet (proteins are hard for the liver to process) and vitamins. Also problematic is ammonia build-up which causes brain functioning issues. So, that might be why she has become so scared and timid. As of now, there is nothing to do. It is chronic and deadly. I am such a wreck thinking that my baby girl is dying. At 13, she is not that old for a little dog; most live to 15 or 16. I thought that with good vet care and an overattentive mother, she would live that long too. I am not ready to lose her. She has been with me for my entire adult life. I cant imagine coming home and her little, black, fuzzy, under-bite face not there to greet me. I'm on the verge of losing her. How do I cope with that?
I know I must keep going, keep her as healthy as possible, and give her a lot of love until it is time. I know all those things. But, my heart is breaking. I just lost my grandpa, I cant do this too.
My hair is falling out. I have to cut it off to help with the weight of it on the roots and to get it to look thicker and over the bald spot. I'm sad and nervous. Please send others and remember I have frizzbo, wavy hair.
Today I went to lunch with Ms. Eva, an elderly woman who lives 3 houses down from me. She is a wonderful lady, but boy, does she sustain a conversation! And so, after avoiding a dinner for months, I went with her to Los Barrios, a wonderful Mexican restaurant alive with color and mariachi. Over tortilla soup and homemade tortillas, I asked about her husband and she proceeded to tell me about love, the love of her life who was NOT her husband. She told me of elaborate parties, ribbons of color flown on banners and margaritas in Mexico City, where Enrique loved her and she him. His charm and adoration was alluring and Eva claimed to be "in love, deep through to the core of her body." The problem was that her family was leaving Mexico for the United States after 5 years of working for visas. So, she was to leave with them. Enrique wasn't able to come. She told me that at 29, she knew it meant she would never see him again. She recalled his smile and his eye lashes, also that he sent special deliveries for months after she had gone. But, she was never to go back. I asked why her mom and dad made her go with them, why didnt she stay behind. Eva quietly said, "I was the only child. My mom lost every pregnancy besides me. I had to go with them; they couldn't lose me." It was odd to think of a 29 year old woman as a child and that her love for Enrique wasnt to usurp that of her mom and dad. She continued, "They lavished everything on me, everything I wanted, everything they gave to me. I owed them." So, she left. I again asked about the man she did marry. She began, "Well, mija, I loved Enrique and nce you have that kind of love, you dont ever forget it. It is too deep, too much. "You know," she went on, "I did see Enrique again, about 5 years after. He came to the US and had a wife and child. We met for coffee because he had a beautiful photograph of me when I was Miss Mexico. He wanted me to have it. When I met him he wanted me to eat with him, to talk. I said no. He told me he couldnt part with the picture, that he didnt bring it." Eva recalled that she stood up and was frustrated. She madly stated that it was mean not to bring the picture. She then told me the last words he ever said to her. "It is the most horrible thing to not be married to the love of your life, and it is worse to upset her at perhaps the last time she is to see him."
and received an offer to make some, which is wonderful and stupendous. It is the making it that is so hard. On Fridays I am working at an elementary school in Austin. Yes, I said Austin and yes, I live in San Antonio. The problem is that elementary school starts at the butt crack of dawn! So, for me to drop off the girls at daycare in Austin (so they arent left at home for 12 hours), and make it to the school by 7:45am, I get up at 4:15am. This is especially hard because I get home on Thursdays around 9 and because I always work nights, I cannot fall asleep before midnight/1am. I try and try!
The other issue has been finding time to prepare for Fridays. Meaning that M-W I am working to prepare for M-Th. So it isn't until Thursday night (or the weekend) that I have time to finish getting ready for Dora. If the weekend is grading, revising thesis, reading for M-Th., I am doomed!
Also hard is that because we have classes Monday-Thursday, Fridays are meeting days. So, I am constantly missing meetings and not knowing what is going on (even though I "get notes").
So, all week I am running and preparing for the 5 classes I teach, handling fires, graduate students, faculty issues, my lonely doggies, my house, myself and then, I must run to Austin. Don't get me wrong, I have learned so much while doing this new little job. The data analysis was so eye-opening, and working in the classrooms has been wonderful, but I am so tired. My bones want to lay in bed and sleep. Next week, I teach through Wednesday, then head to Indiana for the Phi Delta Kappa Summit on Literacy Education and return on Sunday, to begin it all again Monday. I know this busy-ness is nothing new, just tiring and I like it so much. Im setting the alarm right now for 4:15am.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I must say that I absolutely love my schnoodle. Zoey Louise is a breath of happy air. But, sheesh! What the heck is with all the scruffing?
On Thursday I went to dinner at Paesano's on the RiverWalk and to see Mama Mia with Anita and Jackie at the Majestic Theatre. It was the worst production of Mam Mia I have seen, complete with music that drown out the singers, taped music, no pit orchestra and random, fill-in people. Weird. The food and dinner conversation, however was lovely. We has tomatoes, mozzarella and basil salad, shrimp encrusted with parmesan, lasagne, sea bass and spinach, and of course, birthday fried ice cream and wine. So good! One of the best parts was having such fun people around. Thanks Jackie and Anita! We drank and sang and danced till midnight to songs from Mama Mia. Then I turned into a pumpkin because I have to be in Austin by 8am, meaning I get up at 4:50am. The girls left me with a carrot cake in hand.
In Austin, I worked at Dora's school all day, listened to reader's theatre and talked with teachers. I have a lot of work to get ready for next week. I am uploading a video of a first attempt at a reader's theatre after this blog post, so look for it.
I then headed to dinner at Eastside Cafe where I was meeting my Austin friends for dinner. Such fun. We al ate well, drank well, and talked well. After a 2 hour dinner, we headed back to Loretta's house for cupcakes and wine. I am so glad I got to see everyone! I love you all, Dawn, Claudia, Loretta, Diane, Sherry, Beth, Janne, Michelle, and Anita! You all made the Austin birthday great. I just love talking and catching up with you all.
And now, it is officially over. Year 32 is gone and year 33 is upon me. I need to have another birthday dinner soon, maybe in 363 days.
Why DO people go to school? I mean, is it really different than the reasons back then? Do you want to eat lunch tomorrow? Do you think she is crazy, like certifiably nuts or just a little nuts? Do you want to join our tap dancing league Mondays at 3:30? Can I be exempted from student teaching if I haven't been a teacher, but I worked with kids? Do you want cheddar peppers or french fries with your diet vanilla coke? Do you have any change, lady? How are the allergies treating ya? Do you have naturally curly hair or is it just frizzy? Did you like "Lie to Me?" Do you wanna talk? Will you please, please help me write? Did it hurt?
My grandma was taken to the emergency room on Friday night. She was having a headache so severe that she couldnt get dressed. Two days before that, while at the doctor, her blood pressure was 217/120 (or something close to that). Im sure the headache was due to the blood pressure, but the emergency room didnt do anything much, so her and my mother drive home. The headache was gone after some pain medicine. Today, the headache was back in full force. No one knows exactly what to do. 1. The emergency room sent her home; 2. The doctor at the clinic two days before sent her home; and 3. She doesnt want to go back. All of this is to say that I dont think I can take losing another grandparent right now. I am not done grieving my grandpa. I don't think it is fair that once one grandparent dies, the other isnt short behind. My other set of grandparents died close together too. I wasnt close to them however. I dont think I can take something being wrong with grandma too. Luckily, she is okay right now.
Why is it that the very things we love have to leave us? I think it is cruel.
8 hours of constant talking, activity, and 80 students met with me yesterday. Wednesdays are scheduled days from teaching Hell. Last night, my 7-10 master's class was interesting, however. First of all, I was exhausted by the time I got there and regardless of the wonderful student Grace who brought me a diet vanilla coke, I was not looking forward to another 3 hours. This class is a weird mix of people. Ive got several full time teachers, one former advertising exec, a couple substitute teachers, one older woman who has no social gate-keeping, one student who is so outlandish and ignorant that I struggle to imagine the later pain caused if a school hires this person, 2 former undergrad students of mine, and a sprinkling of "others." We began by watching President Obama's speech to students which occurred on 9-08-09. None has seen it. NONE! What does it say that they all knew of the controversies, but none, not any of the 18 master's students, had taken time to see it. A good conversation followed which included comments such as, "Wow...I heard it was bad," or, "What a good message. What was all the hype about?" I shared the letters from school districts around this area that did not allow it to be shown and those that did. They were amazed that districts would be so conservative and wondered why. Of course, Ignorant knew why. It was a great conversation and when asked why I might choose to show the video in an assessment class, much was said and connections made. We then got into groups and each group took one of the weekly readings and made 3 tenets describing, summarizing, or otherwise illuminating what the article was talking about. It went well and they admitted they loved the articles "way more than the book or the National Reading Panel Booklet." From there I began my little ditty about qualitative and quantitative research, the who, what, when, where, why, and hows. Such fun. There is nothing better than RX1=O and RX2=02 as different than X2=O etc. to get their brains a bending. Finally, we again grouped 1-4 and each was assigned a Model of Reading from their book reading. They were to explain the model in 100 words or less and draw a picture (but not the actual model) that would explain the model clearly. They did a nice job. I guess I am telling the lesson plan because I found myself, as a professor, noticing these weird students following me through the different activities easily. When prompted, they answered; when grouped, they worked. We were there until 9:50 and the entire time was spent engaged in the lesson.
Now, I know that when I am teaching, I am rarely not in FLOW. Time moves quickly...for me. I am not sure that is ever true of everyone in the class, however. Yet last night, in a class that is L-A-T-E, was after much teaching by both myself and those full time in the class (which is about 90%), time moved. One student commented as she left, "That class went so fast!" and another, "Yeah, I'm glad. I'm exhausted." You see, that is just it. No matter how exhausted, how uninterested one may be, when confronted with ideas at a fast pace, activities that make you think, have positions, and spark curiosity, I think each teacher is likely to jump. So, I was thinking that the very thing that many teachers are worried about, taking positions, being vocal, bold and smart are the very things that they need to be engaged with their jobs. Now, how do I get those in my class to not fear losing their jobs because of interest, curiosity, and perhaps "non-mainstreamed" teaching?
After a Friday workday in Austin at Dora's school, I headed back to San Antonio to get ready to leave the following morning (Saturday) for Houston. By 10am on Saturday, Zoey was at Shelley's and Mouser and I were headed for Karen and Logan's. After 4 hours, I arrived to an exited Logan, more packing for the trip to Scott's Sister's Lake House and we were back on the road for another hour and a half before arriving at Lake Livingston and therefore the lake house. Such a cute place with its own dock, jet ski and boats. We almost immediately hit the water and attempted to dodge the stumps and look for crocodiles. No luck on the crocodile hunt, but still had a good time. Karen, Logo, iCarly, Thomas, and myself in one boat and another boat was full of more people. Such fun. After a ride and a bit of lightening and rain, Logan and I went jet skiing. He was a bit afraid, but got on anyway and went out. In fact, after coming in and changing, he wanted to go back out. Of course, good ole Jenny complied. We rode again. Fajitas and what Susan referred to as "healthy drinks" (coconut rum, orange juice and pineapple concentrate), we headed back to Houston around 10pm. The next morning, I woke up to Logan starring at me. We both went back to his room where he pulled out a binder full of preschool memories. We chatted and he told me all about school. It was great to hear his little worldly explanations. He misses his dad though. It is really evident. When iCarly and Karen got up, and after a trip for donuts, we all decided to go to the Houston Natural History Museum. Logan loved the dinosaurs...for about 10 minutes and was then ready to roll. I must say that the admission was not quite worth the exhibits. After dropping Logan off at his Gram's house, Karen and I went to a posh little South American restaurant that must be one of my favorites. I had the most amazing plantains and chicken. We would return home to Carl, who had stayed to babysit the dogs, Mitzie, Butch, and Fletch. Then, the morning of Monday, I woke up, finished a movie that Karen and Carl gave up on the night before, and ate left over donuts and strawberries. We picked up Logan at Gram's and after I fixed his bike chain which had fallen off during a prior morning ride, he and I chased each other on bikes around the cul-d-sac. I love that little boy.
EXERCISE: I work out 5 days a week, 45 minutes to an hour at the gym in the morning, usually around 10-11am (30 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes on bike or treadmill or other cardio) and 15, if time, on weights. Then, in the evening about 4 times a week, I walk 50 minutes (approximately 3 miles: 1 to Woodlawn lake, 1 around the lake, and 1 back) with Zoey. If we do not walk in the evenings, I ride the bike 3 miles while Zoey runs. So, since May, that has been the practice.
EATING: I need to be watching my allergic foods better. That is my new, reasserted goal. I did really well in the beginning and with my gpa's death, fell apart. I aim for about 1200 calories a day.
MEASUREMENTS: I have lost about: arms=2 inches; thighs=0 inches (how can that be??); first fat roll=4 inches; waist=2 inches; 2nd fat roll=5 inches; and around chest/boobs=3inches. All of that and I am only down one dress size. I have lost a total of 37 pounds.
GOALS: At 30 pounds I ordered some rolley shoes (the soles are curved) which will intensify my walking around the lake, and my dad bought me roller skates. My next goal is 10 pounds away and will happen right about my birthday. I havent decided the prize for success. The biggest goal is 18 pounds away and is tickets to meet Bette Midler in Vegas. Diane is helping me with that one. At that point I will be my smallest adult weight. From then, there are 6 more goals to my actual goal weight. At that point, I will have dropped almost 100 pounds. I'm on a mission, the mission just gets cloudy with frosting and chocolate chips sometimes. But, it is on nonetheless. There are no more, "I'll start on Monday!" for me. It is on. The battle is big.
So, please be supportive and not provide donuts, cookies, and cupcakes to me. Help me to make good choices, and please, stop asking about my weight loss in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. I would love for you all to be a part of my journey, and I love to talk about my angst with weight, but holy cow!
Went to Austin to work on Friday. Ate with Diane. Dog to dog park with Loretta.
Drove to Dallas Saturday morning. Hung with Gma before going to the RichTone, Sweet Adeline show. Ate dinner with Gma's friends. Got home 1am.
Visited my Gpa's burial site, hung out editing, skating in my new skates with Gpa's walker so as not to fall, and ate cookies while Gma slept till 1pm. Ate Wendy's with Mom, Dad and Gma. Talked with Gma and headed back to Austin to pick up the dogs. Arrived at 8:30pm. Loretta had dinner waiting!
Drove to SA. And back to work I am. Can I do it again to Houston this weekend? Woosh!
I'm a professor. I am one of the hundreds of thousands of over-educated, under-appreciated, and under-paid non-tenured faculty at a high minority, low SES, low funded, urban institutions of higher learning. When I calculate the time and money spent traveling, grading, answering email, teaching and planning, my wages come to about $10 an hour. Faced with this situation at any other job, I'd leave. But these conditions are outweighed by the simple fact that I am needed. When I walk into my classroom, as I will tomorrow, there are 35 pairs of eyes ready and waiting for me to be brilliant, to make them think, to learn. I can't turn away.
My students are oblivious to the internal wrangling of academia, and they aren't interested in how much money I make. They just want someone to teach them. But, once they leave the confines of my classroom, they are on their own. They have the charge to change education, to make it better, to create and inspire. I have but a semester; that goal keeps me interested. That goal is worthy of the Olympics of teaching.
Each week I read pages from each of them--about frogs, wars, Mexican food, their thoughts. The conversations after class concern lives, thoughts, and loves. One such involved Marta, a wonderful 45ish woman with a short black bob haircut and mantras about children. She told me, "When this class started I thought you were nuts. Young and nuts. Now, I can't go back to thinking that children are just empty bottles, waiting to be filled. They are full bottles ready to be recycled, foamingly eager, carbonated with ideas. This whole time I was waiting for some professor to teach me how to teach reading. You taught me how to think. That's more valuable, I think."
It is often my students' complicated lives walk off the page and into my classroom. But it is their lack of pretension, their raw and life experienced intellect. Messages arrive in my inbox from hotmama71 and rustytheyorkie81 and almost every message begins with, "Hi, my name is XXX and I am in your XXX class." They aren't afraid to tell me when I am talking too fast or otherwise confusing them. They are upfront and not afriad to tell me when what we are doing is boring. In college and graduate school, I learned to hide my ignorance, surrepticiously looking up information on my own time. My students dont bother with such intellectual guile. Their honesty disarms me, and forces me to keep my teaching fresh.
At my college, it is the older students who keep going, and I'm reassured by the fact that so many of them left school in the past and then returned, sometimes decades later. Non-tiered colleges like mine are forgiving in that way. Come one, come all-the battered, the child-full, the downtrodden, the cashier, the movie hostess, the mechanic, and the baby boomers. I guess that is why I keep coming back, too. I like to help people begin again. It takes an enormous amount of courage to re-enter school as an adult, but this choice can mean the difference between the food industry and a master's degree. My student's yearning for opportunity keeps me coming back each semester. So, in their robust interest, their experiences, and their intent eyes, I return each day, hoping to change the world, one teacher at a time, specifically those serving populations that have been left behind.
So, that my friends and family is why I am a professor and why, despite the hardship, I carry on at this university, in this city, with these students. It's because I make a difference.
Goals for the Fall of 2009: 1. Fall below my lowest adult weight 2. Provide quality, assessment-driven, personal, professional development for Dora 3. Create a coherent, well-read Assessment and Remediation Masters Course 4. Mentor Anita from a positive, research-based, professorial role 5. Call Gma every week 6. Enjoy my time off without feeling guilty 7. Limit complaints and remain as positive as possible 8. Keep a vigorous and deep thinking Content Area Literacy course
I went with Diane to see Beaches at the Paramount. Such a wonderfully made film that still makes me cry. Friendship is weird that way. When two people are so close they know everything about the other, it is so easy to love and so easy to be mean to each other. That movie's relationship between Hillary and Cece reminds me of my relationship with Diane. I had not thought about the parallels. I adore her and know her memory is long. I'm counting on that.
I just am so thankful for the friends I have. I am lucky to have wonderful friends. Sometimes I forget that I am surrounded by people who love me, people who want to spend time with me, who want to be a part of my life. If I could just feel that on the days that I am in the depths of despair. Thank you Diane, Loretta, Shelley, Dora, Dawn, Anita, Karen, Jody, Beth, Peg, Sherry, Eric...in no particular order. Thank you for knowing me and loving me despite and in spite of myself.
Today was interesting that way. I met my friend Dawn for lunch at Central Market and had a wonderful time talking about life and teaching. She is just great. The thing that was so interesting about the conversation was that I commented that I didn't think a professor was the job for me, that the politics, the drama, the writing, the angst did not fill me up, did not make me feel spent. Instead that guilt, and tiredness, and angst plagued me. Her advice? Get a new job. Then, there was the movie, which had the same repose, "Do what you love, life if short. Don't have regrets." Yeah, that is interesting, isn't it? What would I do? I only know teaching. I only know reading. Something to think about though.
So I am in Austin tonight after driving in this morning. Last night I spent the evening at a bar watching and listening to BARELY LEGAL and blowing out my eardrums. One of my students is the guitarist and his mom, another student, a friend. After too many gin and tonics, I made it home after 2. This morning, Mouser and I were slow to rise, not getting up till after 10. Zoey was up and playing outside from 7am-10. After packing, we headed here, the girls and I. I went to lunch with Diane and then Loretta and I ran to Target, ate Thai and came home to watch one of my current favorite shows, RUBY. Now, we are eating brownies and working on computers in tandem. Its sorta funny.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with my ex-principal Dora to talk about doing some consulting work for her school. I'm nervous though because I have never done such a thing and am very aware of my feelings about professional development when I was a teacher. Three things seem true in my teaching experience: 1) It is hard to change teachers, 2) It is also hard to make a PD fit specifically for each teacher and yet it is imperative that it be personalized, and 3) If the person working with the teachers isn't careful, she will waste her breath. As such, I am excited to attempt something I haven't done before and nervous that I might embarrass myself in front of Dora, whom I admire. After meeting with Dora, I'm going to workout and eat with Diane.
Tuesday, I am finally getting my hair done. I will be a blond again. I dyed it dark brown and when that wore off some, I redyed it to what I thought the roots were. I was a bit off and now the roots are blonder than the dye so in pictures I have this strange yellow halo. Hee hee! Im so excited to get it cut and colored. It is so long that when I lean back in a chair, it gets stuck behind my back! Thanks Diane for setting the appointment! Then I get to eat lunch with my dear long ago friend Dawn with which I taught in 2006. I just adore her so am looking forward to seeing and hearing all the news. Tuesday night I get to go see Bette Midler in Beaches at the Paramount. I will be getting popcorn and I will be sneaking in a vanilla coke.
Wednesday I'm hoping to have breakfast with Diane and then head back to San Antonio for a doctors appointment at 1:45. Wish me luck at that as I have excema sores again. Ever since the death of my grandpa, my eating has been a downward spiral. Im working on it, but boy do I like flour, milk, cheese, wheat, and eggs...or translated, "cookies, ice cream, swiss, bread, and cake."
It is rare that I get a forward in my email. I hate them and most of my friends know not to send them lest they are sent directly to junk. But this one came from a friend and is written by a friend. I tell you, she has my exact story. Weird how singular we all feel and yet how similar we all are. So, below is her story that is my story. I thought I would share the version that is hers with some editing so it is mine. Such a wonderful piece.
I love Cinderella. She’s beautiful inside and out, she’s kind to animals, she has a great singing voice, but most of all I love, love, love that ball gown. I want that ball gown! Some girls favorite princess was Sleepy Beauty; I thought Cinderella could kick her ass; after all she had a tough life with all those chores and nasty stepsisters and stepmother. Let’s not forget about Prince Charming—admit it, he was pretty darn handsome for a cartoon. And, although Cinderella married Prince Charming, I always thought she could make it on her own, kind of like Mary Richards on the Mary Tyler Moore Show, but that’s another story.
Growing up, my parents taught me to stand on my own two feet. It was implied that I could do whatever I wanted to, and for the most part, I have. Neither I, nor my brother have married, found our prince or princess respectively. That's right. I’m 33 and have never been married. Why? Good question.
Over the years, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t get married. It seemed that everyone did sooner or later. I dated some very nice guys and had a lot of fun. I even lived with one for a while but I always knew I’d never marry him. He had big muscles and was cute. We had almost nothing in common—he worked outdoor construction, I hate the outdoors; I like politics, he hates it. You get the picture. Subconsciously, I knew that I was smarter than he was, and that was a problem, although I couldn’t admit that to myself at the time. The only thing we had in common was our adoration for The Three Stooges, and even a woman waiting for Prince Charming knows that The Three Stooges isn’t enough to base a marriage on. When he asked me to marry him, I had to say no. Frankly, I was astounded that he didn’t seem to know that we wouldn’t work long-term but then again, I was smarter than he was. You gotta love a big, dumb, cute oaf though.
There have been men that I have been nuts for. Although I’m usually the dumpee, some of these men have pointed out that I had left the relationship long before the actual separation. I’ve even come to realize that some of these men turned out not to be who I thought they were because I had made them up. I projected traits that I admired onto them and therefore, they could never live up to the image that I created. That realization was a real eye-opener for me. Don’t get me wrong; I truly cared for these men and even cried over some of them. Looking back, I don’t regret dating them, but I sure am glad I didn’t marry any of them.
I don’t know that my prince will ever come but I’m glad that I have never made waiting for him a priority because I would have missed so much-becoming a doctor, a career that is my own solely, travel to faraway places, exceptional food, meeting extraordinary people, fun with friends, and the fact that although I fall sometimes, I get back up and do it again with my own velocity, my own power, my own tenacity. I own a home, a car, enough money to buy myself things I want or pay to fix household things I can’t, and the love of two adorable but naughty doggies, and an obnoxious cat. I don’t really need anything. I like doing my own thing and not answering to anyone but me.
But every once in a while, not that often, but once in a while, I think I’d like to put on that Cinderella ball gown and meet a prince. Notice I didn’t say “marry”; I own my own crown.
My friend and colleague created and uploaded the picture below. I do think David Carusso is cute. Shut up Loretta.
So, the 2 week summer has begun. I was hoping to make it to LA to visit Jody before she heads off to Europe for 2 months, but due to budget cuts, I will not be going anywhere. Today was the first day of the summer off for me. Of course, Diane would say that I am not off, that there is work to be done. And, of course there is, but I am pretending. Today I: 1. Laid in bed watching episode of HOUSE till about 11. 2. Repainted an old stool with old spray paint, took off the top padding too. 3. Read some out of this memoir I bought at the Dollar Store. 4. Applied for an additional job working with toddlers from 7am-noon, M-F. 5. Called the mortgage company to learn more about my payments. 6. Went to JoAnn's Fabric to get a new cover for the stool. I bought $1.04 fabric. 7. Went to gym to watch Oprah. 8. Painted portraits of MouserDog, ZoeyLou, and CitaBandita on the fabric. 9. Unloaded the diswasher and made doggie dinner-dinner. 10. Rode the bike while Zoey ran. 11. Texted Shelley while watching TV. 12. Headed to bed to write this blog.
Such a busy day. Hee! Tomorrow I am going to meet a student at La Madeline at 1pm, return something to the mall, and then hit the gym. Big time. Maybe I will work a bit on my digital manuscript. You're welcome, Diane. As you can see from the photo, we are tired around here! Later Gators!
