But, it is prevalent in our lives, or my life anyway. Why is that? If it is chronic, then could it be that we/I am the one causing it? That due to the faults I have, the tragic flaws inherent in me/us, we dictate the emergence of stress?
Im stressed about work, I dont really like my job and it feels there is no end in sight. The hours roll on like a semi, with me either overwhelmed and consumed with things that in no way benefit me (example grading and editing students' papers), or drag on and on virtually not moving with boredom and ennui avast. How can that be? How can it be that I am bored and have so much to do all at the same time? So, while I need to be working towards tenure because without it, I will lose my job, I have no time to work on my writing. Okay, I probably have time (between like midnight at 8:30am), but I dont wanna. I dont wanna work on my writing. I hate writing. It makes me feel inadequate.
I heard yesterday that two of my friends did not get tenure at A&M-San Antonio. Both have been there since its inception. The people on their committee felt they "didnt have enough publications in their field" and "didnt give enough service." They have given a ton of service, way more than me, and as for publications, their articles are in education and they are in education so how is that outta their field? Im confused. Both of these people really wanted their tenure; they imagine themselves at A&MSA for the long haul. What is to become of someone like me who doesnt see themselves here for the long haul, but needs to job until I see what my next life step is? Someone who at the same time needs tenure to keep her job, doesnt give a shit about her job? Dont get me wrong, there are a few things I like about my job. Just overall, I could walk away tomorrow and not really miss it. Sometimes I dream about working at Target, if that tells you anything.
So, stress. My job is stressful, my dogs are stressful. I love them and they are stressful. I need a dog walker because Zoey is ADHD and on the days I work, I am gone a long time. It's not that she would have an accident inside, but instead that she wont sleep if I come home and she has been inside all day, even with a good night walk. She is hyper and no one really wants to keep her when I travel, stress. Then Charlie- his bum leg has cost me $4,000 and whether or not spending that was a good call, it was spent. Now, it is lame again and he needs surgery to either try and refix it again or take it off. The decision is hard concerning what to do. He uses the leg and has feeling in it, but it is so expensive to refix again with the possibility of it not working. Both cost about $1,000. What to do?
Then, my house on West Kings. It is the cutest house--that I dont want. Why dont I want it you ask, because it costs so damn much of my paycheck to live there. House poor they call it. Some people moved in to the house 2 years ago and were planning on buying it. It was all set and now, they are pulling out of the deal. Im stuck trying to sell it again. Stress balls.
So, my 13 year old Honda Civic is on the fritz- so I bought a little Toyota Rav4 from my friend Diane. Ive had it about a week and the MaitReQ light came on. The manual says it comes on for an oil change, but it still has over 1,000 miles to go on the current one, according to the sticker. What the hell is that bullshit? Now, regardless of the fact that it is prolly something little like when they did the last oil change, they forgot to reset the light, I have to make time to take it somewhere and run a diagnosis.
I miss my grandma. I miss her all the time, I think of her everyday and I am not sure what to do with the angst that I do have because she isnt there to listen to it and make it better. She was my rock-the one who loved me and listened to me and made me believe she understood, no matter what, everyday as needed. There isnt anyone like that now. No one. My tears roll every time I say her name or think about her, which is all the time, especially when Im in the car when I would have been having a session with her. In addition, I have come to the realization that without a family, I will die alone in a hospital bed, like so many others, a sea of nurses who poke your body and care nothing about your soul. That's depressing.
Lastly, I am once again struggling with a spiraling depression-like angst wherein I feel lost about what to do. It is very generalized angst. Im just not happy, with my life (job, living situation, car, animals, family). It feels yucky and I cant see how to fix it. I could look for a new job at another university, but why? It's the same job, different place and people. I could move back in to my house, but I dont want to have to pay so much. I could give Diane back her car, but I need one. I could find a new home for my animals, but I would miss them too much. I miss my grandma and there isnt anything to do about that.
Sometimes I imagine running away--but even that needs planning.
