How Good Do We Have to Be?

There seems to be something in the human soul that causes us to think less of ourselves every time we do something wrong. It may be the result of parents who expectedntoo much of us, or teachers who took for granted what we did right and paid attention to the things we did wrong, detailing our issues in red pen. And maybe it is good for us to feel that way. It may make us more sensitive to what we do wrong and move us to repent and grow. But it may also lead us to our setting unrealistically high standards for ourselves and others.

I believe much of the unhappiness people feel burdened witth, much of the guilt, much of the sense of being cheated by life, stems from one of tow related causes: a parent, a teacher, someone important, gave them the message that they were not good enough, and they believed it. It is in our notion that we could expect perfection of ourselves (because others did) and in that, others could be expected to be perfect too. Such acts leaves us feeling constantly guilty and perpetually disappointed.

I can remember so many occasions from my growing-up years and my life as an adult, occasions of shame, feeling I had disappointed people who were judging me and fallen short of what I wanted to be. What is remarkable is not that that happened, but that decades later, I still remember them and the longer I think of them, they still have the power to hurt. Why? Memories are powerful.

And thus, I need to learn to forgive. Forgive myself. Forgive others. For when we forgive, we come to see what someone did to us is not the result of malice or dismissal of our feelings, but as a result of human weakness, impatience, and imperfection. I must choose happiness over righteousness and to remember not to be jealous. There is enough love to go around.

"guilt is the product of an individual conscious, shame is the product of a community," said Dr. Herald Krusner.

Everything Old is New Again

My days seem to be too much the same. I'm sure that is true for all of working humanity. We get up, walk the doggie, have coffee, take a shower, and go to work until we leave, come home, watch TV ( damn you DVR), and head to bed. Same. Same. Currently, I have the dream schedule, well, not dream, but pretty good. I work on Monday-Wednesday till 10pm and them am off. The problem is the "off". I have work to do, I simply must work on manuscripts, preparations for class, and other sundry A&M tasks, but I dally around the tasks on my days off, work some, but not terribly efficient and certainly not as much as I could. And, while the dally might be somewhat earned while not necessary, it is inhibiting my ability to use my schedule to my advantage. There isn't a reason I don't have several articles in the pipeline for pulication other than I don't write them during the free time I have. I do other things that do not contribute to my academic or cultural journey, things I like, but not growth worthy things, for example, I take Zoey for walks and to the dog park, I vacuum and clean , I go to bed late and sleep till 10. Those actions make me feel lazy, not competent, not excited about the next day, and most problematically, make me not enjoy the time off in ways that lead me further on my life journey. They seem to make me hate my work, not manage my time well and overall, not enjoy my newfound freedom. My days were made to allow for self-paced work. I've decided i don't like it, but I can't go to work to work, I hate it there and nothing good gets done. My desk is tiny here at home (which is, don't get me wrong) where most of the magic happens. So what do I do? Where do I go to work, not be distracted unless I want to be and have scheduled to be? I need to be schedule-used better...I need something!

So, I've decided to a) find a coffee shop that I like here in San Antonio, not too far from my house; b) work Monday and Tuesday at school as scheduled and required; c) use Wednesday as a "cultural day" doing something that increases my social and cultural self; c) Thursday will be for manuscripts and will occur at the new coffee shop, and Friday will include a dog park, a good work out, and cleaning, plus sporadic academic needs including manuscripts, proposals, and teaching. I'll let you know...

Death

It's hard to swallow
the emotion of it.
It wells up.
It's never just a rite
of passage,
but a connection
to you
and each loss chips away
pieces
of you.
You cry
for those pieces.