14. Love you more
13. Coca-Cola, especially her open one in the fridge
12. Her never-ending Mt. St. Helen's reading list
11. All the cards and letters she wrote while claiming to never write cards nor letters
10. Imagining her drinking a cappuchino and eating a donut everyday
9. Spending the night at her house and watching TV lounging on her arm
8. Splitting dinner with her every time we'd go out
7. Ability to talk to her for hours (and of course, everyday calls on the way to work)
6. Scrabble games
5. Her unending quest to cure me of my skin ailments
4. Her unending ability to make me feel better
3. Dropping to my knees to hug her in her reading chair
2. Having someone who genuinely cared to have me around as much as possible
1. Feeling unconditionally loved
Even as I wrote those 15, there are so many more, so many little ones, so many deep ones. 35 years with someone. The angst in my head is overwhelming. People keep telling me, "She lived a long life." Very true, but she wasnt done. Her body told us that as it just wouldn't go, wouldn't stop. It fought and fought. It doesnt matter now though, her "not time", became her time. And no comment about the length of her life or my luck in having her around so long makes me feel better. Actually, it makes it worse. I knew her longer, better, with all of the knowings of a child growing up with a daily role model who was loving, smart, caring, sincere, and whom adored you with all they are. Only those who have had that and lost it can understand how absolutely terrifying and disparate it is. Most children grow up and leave their parents, some with a quick step and others more laden, but I never left. From the day I was born she loved me and when she looked at me as I sat in that hospital day after day feeding and sitting with her, she told me again and again in her eyes how much. I will never be the same.
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