Yesterday we got the worst news ever. After battling pneumonia for the last 3 weeks (she got it after her fall), Gma's lungs are almost completely filled with infultrates and her prognosis is grave. I personally saw her xrays with her lung specialist. Made her feel sad to show me, I could tell she knew what I was seeing and understood what we were up against. She gave Gma maybe 2 weeks unless there is a dramatic change. Made me cry all night off and on and when I saw her this morning, I just wept. I cant even describe the depth of my sadness, nor my fear for my family should she leave us, which unless there is a miracle, she will. Even my dad was at the hospital today. And I, well, I feel like I need to be there. I dont want to see it, but I want her to know that someone is there with her always, that she is loved so much, and that when she struggles to breathe and I lay a hand on her head or her hand, I think she remembers. As an asthmatic myself though, watching someone suffocate is so scary. Gma is so scared too. I can see it in her eyes. She is petrified of not being able to catch her breath, that feeling of being underwater wherein you wonder if you will make it to the surface in time. I dont wish that on her. One thing about going in a catastrophe and acute issue is it is quick.
As I sit here at 1am alone in the room with her, her body twitches and all I find myself doing as her leg moves or her hand begins to sew in her sleep, is watch the O2 and BP stats to make sure she is staying in the 90%. Then I can return to my computer to work.
People try to say the right things, you know. The one that is getting me right now is, "You are so lucky to have had her so long!" Yes, I am and no Im not. I mean, if I didnt really know her, like was true of my paternal grandparents, the pain wouldnt be so bad. So, yeah-Im lucky, but the pain is much, much more intense. I feel like I am losing the one person who loved me for being me, for just who I am. Grandparents are wonderful that way and now, I am possibly going to not have any.
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