Everything Old is New Again

My days seem to be too much the same. I'm sure that is true for all of working humanity. We get up, walk the doggie, have coffee, take a shower, and go to work until we leave, come home, watch TV ( damn you DVR), and head to bed. Same. Same. Currently, I have the dream schedule, well, not dream, but pretty good. I work on Monday-Wednesday till 10pm and them am off. The problem is the "off". I have work to do, I simply must work on manuscripts, preparations for class, and other sundry A&M tasks, but I dally around the tasks on my days off, work some, but not terribly efficient and certainly not as much as I could. And, while the dally might be somewhat earned while not necessary, it is inhibiting my ability to use my schedule to my advantage. There isn't a reason I don't have several articles in the pipeline for pulication other than I don't write them during the free time I have. I do other things that do not contribute to my academic or cultural journey, things I like, but not growth worthy things, for example, I take Zoey for walks and to the dog park, I vacuum and clean , I go to bed late and sleep till 10. Those actions make me feel lazy, not competent, not excited about the next day, and most problematically, make me not enjoy the time off in ways that lead me further on my life journey. They seem to make me hate my work, not manage my time well and overall, not enjoy my newfound freedom. My days were made to allow for self-paced work. I've decided i don't like it, but I can't go to work to work, I hate it there and nothing good gets done. My desk is tiny here at home (which is, don't get me wrong) where most of the magic happens. So what do I do? Where do I go to work, not be distracted unless I want to be and have scheduled to be? I need to be schedule-used better...I need something!

So, I've decided to a) find a coffee shop that I like here in San Antonio, not too far from my house; b) work Monday and Tuesday at school as scheduled and required; c) use Wednesday as a "cultural day" doing something that increases my social and cultural self; c) Thursday will be for manuscripts and will occur at the new coffee shop, and Friday will include a dog park, a good work out, and cleaning, plus sporadic academic needs including manuscripts, proposals, and teaching. I'll let you know...

Death

It's hard to swallow
the emotion of it.
It wells up.
It's never just a rite
of passage,
but a connection
to you
and each loss chips away
pieces
of you.
You cry
for those pieces.

And My Light Flickers...

Well, time for the semester to begin, meetings and then classes and while I have had a restful vacation, it has also been minus my baby girl and minus something just as important, passion. For the first time in my teaching life (which extends for about 22 years, right mom?) I don't want t be a teacher, at least one at A&M. For the first time, I feel that there is nothing I can do to give at A&M, to a school, a creed, a ministry that I had previously wanted to believe in like I never had at my fabulous, big, authoritarian college. Yet, it has died over the last couple semesters and with it, my passion. It used to be that I let everyone in my classes because I believed what I was doing was important, that it was paramount for students to be in a classroom with high expectations, with a mastery orientation, with serious implications and a calling to the field that no one but me could give them. I was important to the teaching world of San Antonio in ways even they didn't know. I was changing the future, making it stronger, against the grain, powerful and smart. Now, I find the beginning of the semester daunting, dreary, and the passion I had once had in the ministry of education in San Antonio, gone. What am I to do? As I write these syllabi and post Blackboard, I find myself anxious and weary for the first time. I must say Im not sure I am a good teacher anymore. My light is flickering.

I also learned this last semester something that has induced much personal angst and perhaps jealousy. Jealousy I hate, but it has reared its head in vicious ways concerning this. I am not the chosen one, at least not one of the chosen ones and I want to be. One of the hardest lessons in my academic life concerns not being the chosen one, being told I am chosen, but actions not aligning, mine and other people's. It is realizing that someone(s) I wanted to be my mentor, my colleague(s), to deem me smart, and to want to make my life better, has chosen others, but not me. And, what is worse, I am jealous. I don't want to be, I want to say it is okay for me not to be the smartest, to be chosen to work with, write with, but I am and now, at this crossroads in my life, the lack of an active mentor has crippled me and I feel dead at the university, left to rot. What is worse you ask? That I don't want to play the game anymore. Let me rot.

Disney 2010 with Eric, Jackie, Levi, David, Josiah and Laura

Bye, Bye 2010, Hello 2011!

It is officially the new year, 2011, and the first one since 1996 without my Mitzie Mouse. It has been a year of loses and hurt. Mitzie ended her time with me, a tumor was removed from my head and replaced with staples and pain, my best colleague Jackie left for Japan with no help for the 7 classes I was left teaching, nor research we were to be conducting. Then there was the loss of my house and the move to an apartment and the loss of my illusion that my job would get better. I even lost faith in a best frined who Ive known practically my whole life. It's been a hard year, a tough 2010, one for which I wish I could have some more time in so as to hug my Mouser, but am glad to see leave. So as to insure a better 2011, I will be eating black-eyed peas and writing my resolutions, but I will just have to end it if it is worse than this year.

A Conflicted Christmas

I feel so conflicted this Christmas. After one of the most difficult semester's on record (my best work colleague and travel buddy Jackie quit and moved away leaving me with 7 classes to teach and no best friend, a giant spreading, deep tumor rmoved from my head, and my sweet Mitzie's death), I need a break. But, all I really want to do is sit at home. Before both catastrophic events, a trip to Disney had been planned. Much money has been poured in and effort has been made. BUT, it was before my angst, my depression the reprieve, and before students made me insane. While Eric is going, and I am happy about that, I feel at a loss without my Mitzie and confused about the angst with Jackie (since her family is going too). While several have told me to go, that I need the vacation, I feel lost, quiet, and mostly want to just sit. Im worried about the bustle of Eric and Jackie's family and I am stressed about Eric and his money. I need to let go, not try to control it and do what I feel like doing, I know. Still, I am stressed about a vacation and I miss Mitzie.

The Love of My Life

My Mitzie Mouse was my best and most precious friend and now, as I sit with her ashes, I can't fathom a life without her big googley brown eyes, her under-bite smile, or her loyalty and love. She was my baby girl for whom I would have moved the world and in the last bit of her life, I must admit I tried.

As I traversed this life of mine, her little paw-paws followed right along on my time, never questioning or judging. Trips or moves, she diligently and bravely carried on her role: chief inspector and stress reducer, lover, and all-around best dogger. She made my life more loving, patient, and most importantly full.

Mitzie Mouser loved to go to UT and run the halls, ride the elevator, and sit in her bed while I typed prose that would give us a better life. She was dedicated to me and my pursuits. She loved her walks, her Garfield, and her t-shirts. She loved to sit-up and felt special in the car when she "doggie drove." She was loyal to her Aunt Wretta through the end. Mitzie was an ambassador for cats and humans alike, bringing both to realize dogs are lovely. She spoke English and understood affect. She was an emotional creature who reminded me daily of the importance of devotion and of treats.

Im not sure what I believe in terms of Heaven, but I know I long to see her again, to give her lovies.

Mitzie, I am better for having known and loved you. You made my life joyful and better and I thank you. Please find me again and until then know that I will never forget, I will always be thankful, and Zoey, Carmen and I will always have a place in our hearts for you, my angel dog.

Jackie's Ears...

Before my friend and colleague Jackie Ferguson left for Japan, I had to figure out a going away present for the woman who has everything...holes in her ears!

Never worked so hard in my life...

Okay, so I have, but last week and this week, is REALLY busy! Thank goodness for the time change. Now, if the people below me would stop watching Top Gun in stereo, I might work faster. Could they be watching it on continuous loop? Boom! Boom! Boom!

A short visit to Austin

Yesterday Loretta, Beth and I went to Speaking of the Dead in Lockhart. So cool! It is a genealogy-based project put on by the city of Lockhart that looks in one of the oldest cemeteries to find the story's of those buried. WE heard stories of cattle-drivers, library owners, and a hotel proprietress. The stories were so amazing. I wonder if all of our lives will be so wonderfully interesting in years to come. Then, today Zoey, Loretta and I headed to Barktober-fest at the Domain in Austin. Such fun!

Summer came and Summer went...

Fall has begun. After watching Jackie's two boys (Josiah, 12 and Levi, 8) for 5 days, I started the Fall semester of 2010. I cant believe it has been 3 years since beginning this professorship journey. Tenure is just around the corner. Scary. But alas, this semester is filled with too much to do to sit and wonder where the time went. Since this last summer began with a picture montage, it seems fitting it would end with one too. Here goes! These pictures act as the conclusion to the summer.

The "new" apartment TOUR!

Summer Speeds by

There is no time to write, but here is the update. Been teaching all summer, day in and day out. Classes are good, but full. Grading is out of control. I move on Wednesday and my little brother is going to man the house while the movers do their thing. Thankful. The girls are going to Austin on Tuesday while the move happens. Below, are some of the fun things I've slipped in here and there including visiting the missions (where Levi lit a candle for Mitzie's health).

The family photo shoot goes awry.

More animals saved by the J&L Rescue Society: Riley, Scooby and Gidget