They Come in Threes...

I have heard that bad things, especially deaths happen in threes. So, since my grandpa’s death in June (29th), let’s just say I have been aware. In October, MitzieMouse was diagnosed and her life cut short. Now I spend mornings feeding her Gerber Graduates one by one. In the evening, I chase her around with a baby spoon putting globs of dinner-dinner on her pallet near her head, praying that the enticing aroma of liver diet food and medicine will waft to her nose and she gobble it. I put it with chicken, bologna, other dog food, trying vehemently to not use too much extra meat, but get her to eat. Death #2 is coming and I am watching it slowly, just like grandpa. My heart is dying too.

Now, I am wondering if I am watching another death: the death of my life as a smart and friend-full person. I have found myself stuck here in San Antonio, watching my Austin friendships fall apart as I wrangle a job I don’t like and that doesn’t like me. The idea of traveling the world has died with my choice to buy an unsellable house in a place that forsakes dogs and cats. Myself as smart person died with my purchase. There is no research here, no time to read and think. No room to be smart again. It is dying. So too has one of my most dear friendships begun to decay and die. It is sputtering, lifeless, not fun, and has plummeted from someone that knew everything about me and who was there for me in the best and worst of time, from conversations with much to say and plans to be had, to nothing. There is nothing to say, nothing to share, no real connection. There is empty space and nothing in common anymore. I must figure a way to be okay with that. There is no other option. You can’t make something live that is dying. You just watch it die.

I am experiencing two deaths at the same time, slowly and unstoppable. #2 and #3.

What are the girls up to on Thanksgiving?

11-26-2009

T-his year is the 4th year at Loretta's cafe.
H-aving turkey, yams, stuffing, potatoes,
A-nd pies galore.
N-o holding back for my diet,
K-icked ass on the Turkey Trot, 5 miles today.
S-o I'm going to eat and eat my favorite:
G-reen bean casserole
I-n the living room, nonetheless!
V-ery informal, yet paired with wine.
I-love Thanksgiving at Loretta's.
N-oon tomorrow, I'll be headed Dallas.
G-ravy, it's all just gravy.

Elder Care Provider Needed

After driving to Austin day before yesterday for Mitzie's vet visit, I returned to San Antonio with another silver Honda trailing. Loretta, her Mouser-loving self, came down to care for Mitzie on Wednesday. Wednesday is my hellish day from which I teach 3 classes and from 1pm till 10pm. By the time I get home, it is after 10:30. Loretta came to care for Mitzie and to insure that she was fed every three hours, got her medicine on schedule, and generally was looked after like a hawk. I can never say how caring it was. I came home last night to dogs walked, fed medicated, and turkey chili and cornbread warm for my meal. I swear I need a housewife. It was so nice to know that someone was there to care for Mitz. I dont know what I would have done without her. It is hard to figure out who really is your friend, who really is there for you, no matter what. No judgment about the fact that she is a dog, no questions, just care. There are not many who just genuinely step up. In fact, sometimes those you expect to be there arent. I am blessed to know her. How lucky I was to live next door. I am so scared and sad to even think about going through this next stage of my life without Mouser. She has been there through everything. She is my angel dog. Thank you Loretta for understanding-and for loving us both.

Goals for the Week:

1. Figure out a diet for Mouser Dog
2. Find and Read 2 new articles for Kathy Griffin
3. Write Final Exam for 5314
4. Gather guided reading videos for Dora's first grade teachers
5. Get an oil change for the Honda


All of these are in addition to normal activity and take TIME. God, help me find time!

My Grandma asked, What do you look like now?

NOT THAT MUCH DIFFERENT!

Clarice Mau-Mau Holland

My dear friend Loretta's mind-game playing, sweet, pink-nosed, 16 year old kitty had to be put to sleep yesterday. I drove up to Austin to be with Loretta as she decided what would be best for her darling baby onion cat. Clarice the cat had been at the vet's office for days trying to combat a common cold that her frail 5 pound body just couldn't shake. By the time I saw her again, only one week since her diagnosis, she was struggling to breathe and just looked at me with her angel-dust eyes, so sad and miserable. Clarice looked right at me and told me to tell Loretta to let her go. I just felt her say it. Loretta knew. The sadness was palpable as Loretta signed the authorization. We are so much more humane with our animals. So, quietly, peacefully, and most importantly, with love, Clarice Mau-Mau Holland was sent to the great kitty box in the sky where there will be no more needles to poke her, or infections, or kidney disease, or even tail fits. I wish for her: warm red blankets, kitty hash, plenty of snacky-snack, memories of her mommy who loved her so and her Aunt Jenny who spent 7 years working to pet her. We all, Loretta, Aunt Jenny, Mitzie Mouse, and Zoey will miss her. May she rest in peace and proceed to her next life in love.

North Carolina and a Catch-Up

This is going to be quite a long post, so for those of you who actually read, hang on!

First of all, I got my haircut. As Loretta said, I am no longer sporting the, “Pretty, pretty princess” look. It is now to my chin in the front, short-short in the back, and a bird nest of waves. Sort of trendy, I suppose. I got it cut to help with the hair loss which was quite significant. Losing weight can do that to ya. Also interesting is that I have has excema on my head for so long that scar tissue developed and thus, a bald spot! I really didn’t know it was there until the other hair loss. But boy, my hair is currently a problem. This new cut doesn’t help hide the spot, but it sure is easy! I wash it, put some curl junk on it to combat the frizz, and scrunch it. That is IT! 10 minutes tops. I must say I love that.

As for the weight loss, I am down 50 pounds and about 3 sizes. I now wear a misses 18, or thereabouts. I bought my first size 16 over my birthday and really haven’t lost much since then. It is such a battle. I am still working out an hour in the morning (watching The View at 10am) and then walking Zoey about 3 miles. I do about 35 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the stairs and 15 on the treadmill or the bike-whichever Im in the mood for. I must say that I am not sure what I am going to do once the weather gets cold and walking outside isn’t going to work. Lately, as it has been getting cold, I have added about 30 minutes at the gym. But, it is hard to keep that up and I don’t know what I will do. I think I need a treadmill at home. I am happy with my size though, for the first time in a long time. I like being able to cross my legs easily and sit in an airplane seat (which I am doing right now!) without taking up the whole seat.

My work is troubling right now and I am looking (I’ve only done one application so far, but am actively looking) for a new job. This is hard because: 1) I just bought a house and the market is BAD; 2) Higher ed jobs are scarce in good places and a professor must be willing to go to PoDunk, Georgia and I’m not willing; 3) Im not sure that a higher ed professorship is what I want; 4) My little girl dog is sicky and needs her vet. So, I am not happy where I am, but it is a job, and I am happy to have it for now.

I am currently in route to Charlotte, North Carolina for the annual College Reading Association Conference. My Paper was chosen as “best in show” and given to the editor of one of the most prestigious journals in my field to mentor. I meet with him tomorrow. Also, I have a talk about critical thinking assignments with preservice teachers and my first graduate student (whom now is a full time lecturer with A&M-SA) is presenting on Latina literature in higher education. I get there today at 4 and return Saturday morning. So, only one full day in Charlotte before another plane ride home.

My doggies are spread out all over too. Zoey Lou is at Shelley’s in San Antonio. She loves to play with Azul and Murphy (two big ole lovey lab mixies). Azul is her boyfriend however, so I hope that Shelley and Avery keep eyes on those two. I drove across town this morning and dropped her there at 6:30. Then Mouser and I headed to Austin. Mouser is, of course, staying with her Aunt Wretta whom she was so excited to see this morning that she literally bounded through the grass to get to her! It was totally cute. I hope they get a little dog lovey time. She needs it. Last night she didnt eat well. Clarice, Loretta’s cat, has been sick. She is dying of kidney disease, but has a cold now that has complicated the situation. It is a virtual Sun City Retirement Village on Palma Plaza in Austin for the next couple days.

So, back to grading. I have 110 rough drafts of content area books to grade. I hate grading. Can’t I just give a grade based on what I know? You’re dumb and don’t come to class: F. You’re smart, come to class, give good comments, write well, think well: A+. I know my students. Screw grading.

Howl-o-ween

All had fun!

Mouser Dog

This morning I got some troubling news. My sweet Mouser has Mycrovascular Displasia, a chronic, deadly liver disease which strips the body's ability to excrete toxins. We are putting her on a low protein diet (proteins are hard for the liver to process) and vitamins. Also problematic is ammonia build-up which causes brain functioning issues. So, that might be why she has become so scared and timid. As of now, there is nothing to do. It is chronic and deadly. I am such a wreck thinking that my baby girl is dying. At 13, she is not that old for a little dog; most live to 15 or 16. I thought that with good vet care and an overattentive mother, she would live that long too. I am not ready to lose her. She has been with me for my entire adult life. I cant imagine coming home and her little, black, fuzzy, under-bite face not there to greet me. I'm on the verge of losing her. How do I cope with that?

I know I must keep going, keep her as healthy as possible, and give her a lot of love until it is time. I know all those things. But, my heart is breaking. I just lost my grandpa, I cant do this too.

Getting hair cut...poor hairless me.

My hair is falling out. I have to cut it off to help with the weight of it on the roots and to get it to look thicker and over the bald spot. I'm sad and nervous. Please send others and remember I have frizzbo, wavy hair.

A Love Story

Today I went to lunch with Ms. Eva, an elderly woman who lives 3 houses down from me. She is a wonderful lady, but boy, does she sustain a conversation! And so, after avoiding a dinner for months, I went with her to Los Barrios, a wonderful Mexican restaurant alive with color and mariachi. Over tortilla soup and homemade tortillas, I asked about her husband and she proceeded to tell me about love, the love of her life who was NOT her husband. She told me of elaborate parties, ribbons of color flown on banners and margaritas in Mexico City, where Enrique loved her and she him. His charm and adoration was alluring and Eva claimed to be "in love, deep through to the core of her body." The problem was that her family was leaving Mexico for the United States after 5 years of working for visas. So, she was to leave with them. Enrique wasn't able to come. She told me that at 29, she knew it meant she would never see him again. She recalled his smile and his eye lashes, also that he sent special deliveries for months after she had gone. But, she was never to go back. I asked why her mom and dad made her go with them, why didnt she stay behind. Eva quietly said, "I was the only child. My mom lost every pregnancy besides me. I had to go with them; they couldn't lose me." It was odd to think of a 29 year old woman as a child and that her love for Enrique wasnt to usurp that of her mom and dad. She continued, "They lavished everything on me, everything I wanted, everything they gave to me. I owed them." So, she left. I again asked about the man she did marry. She began, "Well, mija, I loved Enrique and nce you have that kind of love, you dont ever forget it. It is too deep, too much. "You know," she went on, "I did see Enrique again, about 5 years after. He came to the US and had a wife and child. We met for coffee because he had a beautiful photograph of me when I was Miss Mexico. He wanted me to have it. When I met him he wanted me to eat with him, to talk. I said no. He told me he couldnt part with the picture, that he didnt bring it." Eva recalled that she stood up and was frustrated. She madly stated that it was mean not to bring the picture. She then told me the last words he ever said to her. "It is the most horrible thing to not be married to the love of your life, and it is worse to upset her at perhaps the last time she is to see him."

Can you imagine? The Hispanic Titanic. Wow.

I prayed for money.

and received an offer to make some, which is wonderful and stupendous. It is the making it that is so hard. On Fridays I am working at an elementary school in Austin. Yes, I said Austin and yes, I live in San Antonio. The problem is that elementary school starts at the butt crack of dawn! So, for me to drop off the girls at daycare in Austin (so they arent left at home for 12 hours), and make it to the school by 7:45am, I get up at 4:15am. This is especially hard because I get home on Thursdays around 9 and because I always work nights, I cannot fall asleep before midnight/1am. I try and try!

The other issue has been finding time to prepare for Fridays. Meaning that M-W I am working to prepare for M-Th. So it isn't until Thursday night (or the weekend) that I have time to finish getting ready for Dora. If the weekend is grading, revising thesis, reading for M-Th., I am doomed!

Also hard is that because we have classes Monday-Thursday, Fridays are meeting days. So, I am constantly missing meetings and not knowing what is going on (even though I "get notes").

So, all week I am running and preparing for the 5 classes I teach, handling fires, graduate students, faculty issues, my lonely doggies, my house, myself and then, I must run to Austin. Don't get me wrong, I have learned so much while doing this new little job. The data analysis was so eye-opening, and working in the classrooms has been wonderful, but I am so tired. My bones want to lay in bed and sleep. Next week, I teach through Wednesday, then head to Indiana for the Phi Delta Kappa Summit on Literacy Education and return on Sunday, to begin it all again Monday. I know this busy-ness is nothing new, just tiring and I like it so much. Im setting the alarm right now for 4:15am.

Wish me luck!

I must say that I absolutely love my schnoodle. Zoey Louise is a breath of happy air. But, sheesh! What the heck is with all the scruffing?

Birthday Celebrations

On Thursday I went to dinner at Paesano's on the RiverWalk and to see Mama Mia with Anita and Jackie at the Majestic Theatre. It was the worst production of Mam Mia I have seen, complete with music that drown out the singers, taped music, no pit orchestra and random, fill-in people. Weird. The food and dinner conversation, however was lovely. We has tomatoes, mozzarella and basil salad, shrimp encrusted with parmesan, lasagne, sea bass and spinach, and of course, birthday fried ice cream and wine. So good! One of the best parts was having such fun people around. Thanks Jackie and Anita! We drank and sang and danced till midnight to songs from Mama Mia. Then I turned into a pumpkin because I have to be in Austin by 8am, meaning I get up at 4:50am. The girls left me with a carrot cake in hand.

In Austin, I worked at Dora's school all day, listened to reader's theatre and talked with teachers. I have a lot of work to get ready for next week. I am uploading a video of a first attempt at a reader's theatre after this blog post, so look for it.

I then headed to dinner at Eastside Cafe where I was meeting my Austin friends for dinner. Such fun. We al ate well, drank well, and talked well. After a 2 hour dinner, we headed back to Loretta's house for cupcakes and wine. I am so glad I got to see everyone! I love you all, Dawn, Claudia, Loretta, Diane, Sherry, Beth, Janne, Michelle, and Anita! You all made the Austin birthday great. I just love talking and catching up with you all.

And now, it is officially over. Year 32 is gone and year 33 is upon me. I need to have another birthday dinner soon, maybe in 363 days.