I have heard that bad things, especially deaths happen in threes. So, since my grandpa’s death in June (29th), let’s just say I have been aware. In October, MitzieMouse was diagnosed and her life cut short. Now I spend mornings feeding her Gerber Graduates one by one. In the evening, I chase her around with a baby spoon putting globs of dinner-dinner on her pallet near her head, praying that the enticing aroma of liver diet food and medicine will waft to her nose and she gobble it. I put it with chicken, bologna, other dog food, trying vehemently to not use too much extra meat, but get her to eat. Death #2 is coming and I am watching it slowly, just like grandpa. My heart is dying too.
Now, I am wondering if I am watching another death: the death of my life as a smart and friend-full person. I have found myself stuck here in San Antonio, watching my Austin friendships fall apart as I wrangle a job I don’t like and that doesn’t like me. The idea of traveling the world has died with my choice to buy an unsellable house in a place that forsakes dogs and cats. Myself as smart person died with my purchase. There is no research here, no time to read and think. No room to be smart again. It is dying. So too has one of my most dear friendships begun to decay and die. It is sputtering, lifeless, not fun, and has plummeted from someone that knew everything about me and who was there for me in the best and worst of time, from conversations with much to say and plans to be had, to nothing. There is nothing to say, nothing to share, no real connection. There is empty space and nothing in common anymore. I must figure a way to be okay with that. There is no other option. You can’t make something live that is dying. You just watch it die.
I am experiencing two deaths at the same time, slowly and unstoppable. #2 and #3.
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