Sick today and remembering soup and sandwiches with Grandpa.

Headaches

My grandma was taken to the emergency room on Friday night. She was having a headache so severe that she couldnt get dressed. Two days before that, while at the doctor, her blood pressure was 217/120 (or something close to that). Im sure the headache was due to the blood pressure, but the emergency room didnt do anything much, so her and my mother drive home. The headache was gone after some pain medicine. Today, the headache was back in full force. No one knows exactly what to do. 1. The emergency room sent her home; 2. The doctor at the clinic two days before sent her home; and 3. She doesnt want to go back. All of this is to say that I dont think I can take losing another grandparent right now. I am not done grieving my grandpa. I don't think it is fair that once one grandparent dies, the other isnt short behind. My other set of grandparents died close together too. I wasnt close to them however. I dont think I can take something being wrong with grandma too. Luckily, she is okay right now.

Why is it that the very things we love have to leave us? I think it is cruel.

I can't sleep.

I realized something about an hour ago.

You can't make someone want to spend time with you. It's as simple as that.

Teaching: From 2-10pm

8 hours of constant talking, activity, and 80 students met with me yesterday. Wednesdays are scheduled days from teaching Hell. Last night, my 7-10 master's class was interesting, however. First of all, I was exhausted by the time I got there and regardless of the wonderful student Grace who brought me a diet vanilla coke, I was not looking forward to another 3 hours. This class is a weird mix of people. Ive got several full time teachers, one former advertising exec, a couple substitute teachers, one older woman who has no social gate-keeping, one student who is so outlandish and ignorant that I struggle to imagine the later pain caused if a school hires this person, 2 former undergrad students of mine, and a sprinkling of "others." We began by watching President Obama's speech to students which occurred on 9-08-09. None has seen it. NONE! What does it say that they all knew of the controversies, but none, not any of the 18 master's students, had taken time to see it. A good conversation followed which included comments such as, "Wow...I heard it was bad," or, "What a good message. What was all the hype about?" I shared the letters from school districts around this area that did not allow it to be shown and those that did. They were amazed that districts would be so conservative and wondered why. Of course, Ignorant knew why. It was a great conversation and when asked why I might choose to show the video in an assessment class, much was said and connections made. We then got into groups and each group took one of the weekly readings and made 3 tenets describing, summarizing, or otherwise illuminating what the article was talking about. It went well and they admitted they loved the articles "way more than the book or the National Reading Panel Booklet." From there I began my little ditty about qualitative and quantitative research, the who, what, when, where, why, and hows. Such fun. There is nothing better than RX1=O and RX2=02 as different than X2=O etc. to get their brains a bending. Finally, we again grouped 1-4 and each was assigned a Model of Reading from their book reading. They were to explain the model in 100 words or less and draw a picture (but not the actual model) that would explain the model clearly. They did a nice job. I guess I am telling the lesson plan because I found myself, as a professor, noticing these weird students following me through the different activities easily. When prompted, they answered; when grouped, they worked. We were there until 9:50 and the entire time was spent engaged in the lesson.

Now, I know that when I am teaching, I am rarely not in FLOW. Time moves quickly...for me. I am not sure that is ever true of everyone in the class, however. Yet last night, in a class that is L-A-T-E, was after much teaching by both myself and those full time in the class (which is about 90%), time moved. One student commented as she left, "That class went so fast!" and another, "Yeah, I'm glad. I'm exhausted." You see, that is just it. No matter how exhausted, how uninterested one may be, when confronted with ideas at a fast pace, activities that make you think, have positions, and spark curiosity, I think each teacher is likely to jump. So, I was thinking that the very thing that many teachers are worried about, taking positions, being vocal, bold and smart are the very things that they need to be engaged with their jobs. Now, how do I get those in my class to not fear losing their jobs because of interest, curiosity, and perhaps "non-mainstreamed" teaching?

Oh, and I miss my grandpa.

Un-Labor Day in Houston

After a Friday workday in Austin at Dora's school, I headed back to San Antonio to get ready to leave the following morning (Saturday) for Houston. By 10am on Saturday, Zoey was at Shelley's and Mouser and I were headed for Karen and Logan's. After 4 hours, I arrived to an exited Logan, more packing for the trip to Scott's Sister's Lake House and we were back on the road for another hour and a half before arriving at Lake Livingston and therefore the lake house. Such a cute place with its own dock, jet ski and boats. We almost immediately hit the water and attempted to dodge the stumps and look for crocodiles. No luck on the crocodile hunt, but still had a good time. Karen, Logo, iCarly, Thomas, and myself in one boat and another boat was full of more people. Such fun. After a ride and a bit of lightening and rain, Logan and I went jet skiing. He was a bit afraid, but got on anyway and went out. In fact, after coming in and changing, he wanted to go back out. Of course, good ole Jenny complied. We rode again. Fajitas and what Susan referred to as "healthy drinks" (coconut rum, orange juice and pineapple concentrate), we headed back to Houston around 10pm. The next morning, I woke up to Logan starring at me. We both went back to his room where he pulled out a binder full of preschool memories. We chatted and he told me all about school. It was great to hear his little worldly explanations. He misses his dad though. It is really evident. When iCarly and Karen got up, and after a trip for donuts, we all decided to go to the Houston Natural History Museum. Logan loved the dinosaurs...for about 10 minutes and was then ready to roll. I must say that the admission was not quite worth the exhibits. After dropping Logan off at his Gram's house, Karen and I went to a posh little South American restaurant that must be one of my favorites. I had the most amazing plantains and chicken. We would return home to Carl, who had stayed to babysit the dogs, Mitzie, Butch, and Fletch. Then, the morning of Monday, I woke up, finished a movie that Karen and Carl gave up on the night before, and ate left over donuts and strawberries. We picked up Logan at Gram's and after I fixed his bike chain which had fallen off during a prior morning ride, he and I chased each other on bikes around the cul-d-sac. I love that little boy.

Stop Asking-Please!

Here is the low-down: Since May...

EXERCISE: I work out 5 days a week, 45 minutes to an hour at the gym in the morning, usually around 10-11am (30 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes on bike or treadmill or other cardio) and 15, if time, on weights. Then, in the evening about 4 times a week, I walk 50 minutes (approximately 3 miles: 1 to Woodlawn lake, 1 around the lake, and 1 back) with Zoey. If we do not walk in the evenings, I ride the bike 3 miles while Zoey runs. So, since May, that has been the practice.

EATING: I need to be watching my allergic foods better. That is my new, reasserted goal. I did really well in the beginning and with my gpa's death, fell apart. I aim for about 1200 calories a day.

MEASUREMENTS: I have lost about: arms=2 inches; thighs=0 inches (how can that be??); first fat roll=4 inches; waist=2 inches; 2nd fat roll=5 inches; and around chest/boobs=3inches. All of that and I am only down one dress size. I have lost a total of 37 pounds.

GOALS: At 30 pounds I ordered some rolley shoes (the soles are curved) which will intensify my walking around the lake, and my dad bought me roller skates. My next goal is 10 pounds away and will happen right about my birthday. I havent decided the prize for success. The biggest goal is 18 pounds away and is tickets to meet Bette Midler in Vegas. Diane is helping me with that one. At that point I will be my smallest adult weight. From then, there are 6 more goals to my actual goal weight. At that point, I will have dropped almost 100 pounds. I'm on a mission, the mission just gets cloudy with frosting and chocolate chips sometimes. But, it is on nonetheless. There are no more, "I'll start on Monday!" for me. It is on. The battle is big.

So, please be supportive and not provide donuts, cookies, and cupcakes to me. Help me to make good choices, and please, stop asking about my weight loss in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. I would love for you all to be a part of my journey, and I love to talk about my angst with weight, but holy cow!

I hope this clears some of the questions up.

The cliff notes version of the weekend...

Went to Austin to work on Friday. Ate with Diane. Dog to dog park with Loretta.

Drove to Dallas Saturday morning. Hung with Gma before going to the RichTone, Sweet Adeline show. Ate dinner with Gma's friends. Got home 1am.

Visited my Gpa's burial site, hung out editing, skating in my new skates with Gpa's walker so as not to fall, and ate cookies while Gma slept till 1pm. Ate Wendy's with Mom, Dad and Gma. Talked with Gma and headed back to Austin to pick up the dogs. Arrived at 8:30pm. Loretta had dinner waiting!

Drove to SA. And back to work I am. Can I do it again to Houston this weekend? Woosh!

Why A&M San Antonio?

I'm a professor. I am one of the hundreds of thousands of over-educated, under-appreciated, and under-paid non-tenured faculty at a high minority, low SES, low funded, urban institutions of higher learning. When I calculate the time and money spent traveling, grading, answering email, teaching and planning, my wages come to about $10 an hour. Faced with this situation at any other job, I'd leave. But these conditions are outweighed by the simple fact that I am needed. When I walk into my classroom, as I will tomorrow, there are 35 pairs of eyes ready and waiting for me to be brilliant, to make them think, to learn. I can't turn away.

My students are oblivious to the internal wrangling of academia, and they aren't interested in how much money I make. They just want someone to teach them. But, once they leave the confines of my classroom, they are on their own. They have the charge to change education, to make it better, to create and inspire. I have but a semester; that goal keeps me interested. That goal is worthy of the Olympics of teaching.

Each week I read pages from each of them--about frogs, wars, Mexican food, their thoughts. The conversations after class concern lives, thoughts, and loves. One such involved Marta, a wonderful 45ish woman with a short black bob haircut and mantras about children. She told me, "When this class started I thought you were nuts. Young and nuts. Now, I can't go back to thinking that children are just empty bottles, waiting to be filled. They are full bottles ready to be recycled, foamingly eager, carbonated with ideas. This whole time I was waiting for some professor to teach me how to teach reading. You taught me how to think. That's more valuable, I think."

It is often my students' complicated lives walk off the page and into my classroom. But it is their lack of pretension, their raw and life experienced intellect. Messages arrive in my inbox from hotmama71 and rustytheyorkie81 and almost every message begins with, "Hi, my name is XXX and I am in your XXX class." They aren't afraid to tell me when I am talking too fast or otherwise confusing them. They are upfront and not afriad to tell me when what we are doing is boring. In college and graduate school, I learned to hide my ignorance, surrepticiously looking up information on my own time. My students dont bother with such intellectual guile. Their honesty disarms me, and forces me to keep my teaching fresh.

At my college, it is the older students who keep going, and I'm reassured by the fact that so many of them left school in the past and then returned, sometimes decades later. Non-tiered colleges like mine are forgiving in that way. Come one, come all-the battered, the child-full, the downtrodden, the cashier, the movie hostess, the mechanic, and the baby boomers. I guess that is why I keep coming back, too. I like to help people begin again. It takes an enormous amount of courage to re-enter school as an adult, but this choice can mean the difference between the food industry and a master's degree. My student's yearning for opportunity keeps me coming back each semester. So, in their robust interest, their experiences, and their intent eyes, I return each day, hoping to change the world, one teacher at a time, specifically those serving populations that have been left behind.

So, that my friends and family is why I am a professor and why, despite the hardship, I carry on at this university, in this city, with these students. It's because I make a difference.

Semester Goals

Goals for the Fall of 2009:
1. Fall below my lowest adult weight
2. Provide quality, assessment-driven, personal, professional development for Dora
3. Create a coherent, well-read Assessment and Remediation Masters Course
4. Mentor Anita from a positive, research-based, professorial role
5. Call Gma every week
6. Enjoy my time off without feeling guilty
7. Limit complaints and remain as positive as possible
8. Keep a vigorous and deep thinking Content Area Literacy course

Beaches, Jobs and Diane

I went with Diane to see Beaches at the Paramount. Such a wonderfully made film that still makes me cry. Friendship is weird that way. When two people are so close they know everything about the other, it is so easy to love and so easy to be mean to each other. That movie's relationship between Hillary and Cece reminds me of my relationship with Diane. I had not thought about the parallels. I adore her and know her memory is long. I'm counting on that.

I just am so thankful for the friends I have. I am lucky to have wonderful friends. Sometimes I forget that I am surrounded by people who love me, people who want to spend time with me, who want to be a part of my life. If I could just feel that on the days that I am in the depths of despair. Thank you Diane, Loretta, Shelley, Dora, Dawn, Anita, Karen, Jody, Beth, Peg, Sherry, Eric...in no particular order. Thank you for knowing me and loving me despite and in spite of myself.

Today was interesting that way. I met my friend Dawn for lunch at Central Market and had a wonderful time talking about life and teaching. She is just great. The thing that was so interesting about the conversation was that I commented that I didn't think a professor was the job for me, that the politics, the drama, the writing, the angst did not fill me up, did not make me feel spent. Instead that guilt, and tiredness, and angst plagued me. Her advice? Get a new job. Then, there was the movie, which had the same repose, "Do what you love, life if short. Don't have regrets." Yeah, that is interesting, isn't it? What would I do? I only know teaching. I only know reading. Something to think about though.

Sunday-Wednesday in Austin, TX

So I am in Austin tonight after driving in this morning. Last night I spent the evening at a bar watching and listening to BARELY LEGAL and blowing out my eardrums. One of my students is the guitarist and his mom, another student, a friend. After too many gin and tonics, I made it home after 2. This morning, Mouser and I were slow to rise, not getting up till after 10. Zoey was up and playing outside from 7am-10. After packing, we headed here, the girls and I. I went to lunch with Diane and then Loretta and I ran to Target, ate Thai and came home to watch one of my current favorite shows, RUBY. Now, we are eating brownies and working on computers in tandem. Its sorta funny.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my ex-principal Dora to talk about doing some consulting work for her school. I'm nervous though because I have never done such a thing and am very aware of my feelings about professional development when I was a teacher. Three things seem true in my teaching experience: 1) It is hard to change teachers, 2) It is also hard to make a PD fit specifically for each teacher and yet it is imperative that it be personalized, and 3) If the person working with the teachers isn't careful, she will waste her breath. As such, I am excited to attempt something I haven't done before and nervous that I might embarrass myself in front of Dora, whom I admire. After meeting with Dora, I'm going to workout and eat with Diane.

Tuesday, I am finally getting my hair done. I will be a blond again. I dyed it dark brown and when that wore off some, I redyed it to what I thought the roots were. I was a bit off and now the roots are blonder than the dye so in pictures I have this strange yellow halo. Hee hee! Im so excited to get it cut and colored. It is so long that when I lean back in a chair, it gets stuck behind my back! Thanks Diane for setting the appointment! Then I get to eat lunch with my dear long ago friend Dawn with which I taught in 2006. I just adore her so am looking forward to seeing and hearing all the news. Tuesday night I get to go see Bette Midler in Beaches at the Paramount. I will be getting popcorn and I will be sneaking in a vanilla coke.

Wednesday I'm hoping to have breakfast with Diane and then head back to San Antonio for a doctors appointment at 1:45. Wish me luck at that as I have excema sores again. Ever since the death of my grandpa, my eating has been a downward spiral. Im working on it, but boy do I like flour, milk, cheese, wheat, and eggs...or translated, "cookies, ice cream, swiss, bread, and cake."

So the other girls don't think I play favorites...Here they are too!

Why does it take me so long to get outta the hosue in the morning?

My Story Told By Patty Gonzales (2009) about Herself.

It is rare that I get a forward in my email. I hate them and most of my friends know not to send them lest they are sent directly to junk. But this one came from a friend and is written by a friend. I tell you, she has my exact story. Weird how singular we all feel and yet how similar we all are. So, below is her story that is my story. I thought I would share the version that is hers with some editing so it is mine. Such a wonderful piece.

I love Cinderella. She’s beautiful inside and out, she’s kind to animals, she has a great singing voice, but most of all I love, love, love that ball gown. I want that ball gown! Some girls favorite princess was Sleepy Beauty; I thought Cinderella could kick her ass; after all she had a tough life with all those chores and nasty stepsisters and stepmother. Let’s not forget about Prince Charming—admit it, he was pretty darn handsome for a cartoon. And, although Cinderella married Prince Charming, I always thought she could make it on her own, kind of like Mary Richards on the Mary Tyler Moore Show, but that’s another story.

Growing up, my parents taught me to stand on my own two feet. It was implied that I could do whatever I wanted to, and for the most part, I have. Neither I, nor my brother have married, found our prince or princess respectively. That's right. I’m 33 and have never been married. Why? Good question.

Over the years, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t get married. It seemed that everyone did sooner or later. I dated some very nice guys and had a lot of fun. I even lived with one for a while but I always knew I’d never marry him. He had big muscles and was cute. We had almost nothing in common—he worked outdoor construction, I hate the outdoors; I like politics, he hates it. You get the picture. Subconsciously, I knew that I was smarter than he was, and that was a problem, although I couldn’t admit that to myself at the time. The only thing we had in common was our adoration for The Three Stooges, and even a woman waiting for Prince Charming knows that The Three Stooges isn’t enough to base a marriage on. When he asked me to marry him, I had to say no. Frankly, I was astounded that he didn’t seem to know that we wouldn’t work long-term but then again, I was smarter than he was. You gotta love a big, dumb, cute oaf though.

There have been men that I have been nuts for. Although I’m usually the dumpee, some of these men have pointed out that I had left the relationship long before the actual separation. I’ve even come to realize that some of these men turned out not to be who I thought they were because I had made them up. I projected traits that I admired onto them and therefore, they could never live up to the image that I created. That realization was a real eye-opener for me. Don’t get me wrong; I truly cared for these men and even cried over some of them. Looking back, I don’t regret dating them, but I sure am glad I didn’t marry any of them.

I don’t know that my prince will ever come but I’m glad that I have never made waiting for him a priority because I would have missed so much-becoming a doctor, a career that is my own solely, travel to faraway places, exceptional food, meeting extraordinary people, fun with friends, and the fact that although I fall sometimes, I get back up and do it again with my own velocity, my own power, my own tenacity. I own a home, a car, enough money to buy myself things I want or pay to fix household things I can’t, and the love of two adorable but naughty doggies, and an obnoxious cat. I don’t really need anything. I like doing my own thing and not answering to anyone but me.

But every once in a while, not that often, but once in a while, I think I’d like to put on that Cinderella ball gown and meet a prince. Notice I didn’t say “marry”; I own my own crown.

Thanks, Shelley.

My friend and colleague created and uploaded the picture below. I do think David Carusso is cute. Shut up Loretta.

So, the 2 week summer has begun. I was hoping to make it to LA to visit Jody before she heads off to Europe for 2 months, but due to budget cuts, I will not be going anywhere. Today was the first day of the summer off for me. Of course, Diane would say that I am not off, that there is work to be done. And, of course there is, but I am pretending. Today I:
1. Laid in bed watching episode of HOUSE till about 11.
2. Repainted an old stool with old spray paint, took off the top padding too.
3. Read some out of this memoir I bought at the Dollar Store.
4. Applied for an additional job working with toddlers from 7am-noon, M-F.
5. Called the mortgage company to learn more about my payments.
6. Went to JoAnn's Fabric to get a new cover for the stool. I bought $1.04 fabric.
7. Went to gym to watch Oprah.
8. Painted portraits of MouserDog, ZoeyLou, and CitaBandita on the fabric.
9. Unloaded the diswasher and made doggie dinner-dinner.
10. Rode the bike while Zoey ran.
11. Texted Shelley while watching TV.
12. Headed to bed to write this blog.

Such a busy day. Hee! Tomorrow I am going to meet a student at La Madeline at 1pm, return something to the mall, and then hit the gym. Big time. Maybe I will work a bit on my digital manuscript. You're welcome, Diane. As you can see from the photo, we are tired around here! Later Gators!