Nerves and Internal Elation

I am so excited and yet completely nervous about meeting someone whom I have admired for years and years. I was given the most amazing gift, acknowledgment, and symbol of the depth of care and thought for Christmas. I get to meet Bette Midler after her show, in Las Vegas, on Sunday. The interesting part about such a lavish and loving gift are the unexpected feelings I have about meeting her.

In the beginning I was over wrought with thoughts concerning the expense of such a gift and its unnecessary nature. It is so expensive and seemed, at a time in which money is so tight for me, take a trip to visit her before she ends her tenure at Caesar's Palace January 31st. Am I taking money away that might save my Mouser Dog? So, the first stage was guilt.

Then, I ignored it. It didn't REALLY exist. Denial that I deserved such a gift. Why would anyone give me such an extravagant gift? I didn't deserve such a thing.

After feeling guilty for receiving such a present and undeserving and not worth such an expense, I felt embarrassed to have such an experience. People will judge me for spending money on such an experience, right? I mean, I am someone who barely makes ends meet, who is constantly concerned with money and just recently used all her savings to pay her doggie's vet bill. Surely, I will be judged, and maybe I should?

Now, I am petrified. For 4 days I have been completely stopped about what to wear. After losing almost 70 pounds, I can't seem to figure out what looks good. I can't imagine any particular outfit as the perfect one. I don't want to stick out, but I don't want to fade away. Do I wear my hair curly or straight? What shoes? After all the years wearing "Bette Midler" shoes, what do you wear to meet her? I don't want to be too tall, and I don't want to be frumpy. Then there is the, "What do I say?" I couldn't think about telling her, "Wow! I love you! I've seen everything you've ever been in," like some stalker. Finally, a friend, after calling me nuts, said,"I can't believe you wouldn't bring your dissertation and have her sign that. I mean all the kids names are Bette Midler characters and the acknowledgment is her song lyrics!" Oh yeah. Petrified.

I leave tomorrow for Vegas and I know that by Sunday the excitement will set in. I can't believe that with such a lovely and thoughtful gesture, I have had such negative feelings about it. Now, after working through all of the feelings, I am so thankful to know that someone, my best friend, thought so highly of me and my journey to buy me this extraordinary gift. It has brought up a lot of weird feelings that were unexpected and strange. I feel like I have moved past insecurities with my body, skin, and personal money issues, to embrace something I have wanted and am so excited, giddy, and alight with joy about. I feel so thankful and excited with just a couple nerves!