Friday, October 24, 2008

The Garden of Good and Evil


After a striking battle of “good teacher” v. “bad teacher,” staring Dr. Mouser and Jenny respectively, Jenny dressed in jeans and heels ducked and shimmied to watch an idol wreak havoc on this over-indulged world in which we all live. She brought 6 of her fellow humans to such an event, wondering if their souls would too be sucked into the critical thinking such an idol requires to be found funny. Is that the high expectations that teachers talk about? Do we really want our students to be exposed to the crassest and most brash idiocies of our world? To be plummeted into a place where even Oprah is not a deity and all gossipy, bitchy, and hilarious inanities of our world are not only not only allowed but, encouraged?

I took my students there last night. I felt exposed, vulnerable, and at the same time, as if I was illuminating something about myself. As if I was saying, “See, it isn’t just me with the oppositional relationship to the universe! See, you can stand up and do it too!"

Why do I have this need to shock students into life? Why do I feel like they need saving from the arduous walk to become like everyone else, to bring them back from the brink of personal inquiry death?

The one indispensable weapon I learned to use early on was sarcasm. I’m sure my mother could tell stories regarding my mockery that would baffle and beleaguer any mom today. My penchant for smartass remarks still does not make me beloved of authority figures, who wonder if I am a bit "too sarcastic" or "overly left," or (this is a favorite) that I have a "bad attitude." So be it. Maybe I am, but is wanting people to think and laugh about the ways our world works a bad attitude? I mean, who allowed this person to “be in charge” of me anyway? I mean, the only way someone can be in charge is if the others let her, right? So, I don’t let them. I will let them lead, but not lead me over a cliff that I wonder if is nearby. But, I digress…my sardonic turn of mind at least enabled me to, to the best of my ability, see the world as it is, while at the same time hold on to my sanity and my individuality in a world where not many are who they say they are, and even fewer recognize that they send their representative to their life most of the time. And that's Kathy Griffin, the lady we watched in shock and awe last night, with smiles and leg slaps...

The bad teacher (myself) took her students to last night to see Kathy Griffin, the comedienne. Like her, I also suspect I learned very early on how to use irony and sarcasm as a weapon. I can't think of many environments in the United States that are as profoundly hostile to women as are Hollywood and the entertainment industry. Like me, she has a sharp mind and a caustic wit and has plunked herself smack dab in the middle of one of the most ironic and misogynistic careers there is. What could possibly be more fascinating, or more naturally dramatic? Teaching and Hollywood are so similar.

See, here's what I love about the show: it's about being a serious, hard-working professional woman fighting an uphill battle to make it -- or sometimes just trying make it out alive-- in an industry that is notoriously misogynist. I mean, how often do you see a TV show, a movie, anything in our culture that, more than anything else, is about a woman's love of, and devotion to, her craft? Even such chick-friendly fare as Sex and the City was all about sex, romance, and friendship and completely shied away of any realistic portrayal of the working world.

Why the love for Kathy Griffin? The reasons are many. I'll start with the blatantly narcissistic ones. We Kathy G.'s have to stick together, for one thing, but it goes beyond that. I'm a loyal fan of her Bravo reality TV show, My Life on the D List, and from watching it I have learned that we have more than a few things in common. The right-wing parents? Check. A family who tries to portray the DuPonts, but has not exactly hit the mark? Double check. Kathy and I also love dogs, hate Bush, enjoy fashion, and are très gay-friendly.

At some level, like all of us sarcastic, life-questioning souls, Kathy really does seem to ache for a seat at the cool kids' table, a slot on the A list. Yet at the same time, she can't repress the urge to mock. Even in circumstances when it's important for her to be on her best behavior, she'll get a gleam in her eye, and you just know that in no time at all she will indeed be, “Going There”, the consequences be damned. I think my colleagues see that same gleam, that same irreverence for "the rules” in me. Perhaps that is why no one wants to sit by me in meetings? In her fascinating ambivalence, the push-and-pull relationship between her longing to be accepted and her need to rebel, she enacts a form of a drama that is familiar to many women: to what extent do I reject the trappings of patriarchy, and to what extent do I knuckle under to them? This drama plays itself out in countless ways in women's lives, from questions like should I diet? and should I wear heels?, to dilemmas such as should I take my husband's name? and should I speak up for myself at work and risk being labeled a bitch and a troublemaker, or stay silent and pay the price of continuing unfair treatment?

It's led to some great television moments. Since forever, I've been irritated by the way so many stars thank God or Jesus when they win some award. I'm not sure what I hate more about it: the sanctimony (as in the implication that the award was won because of the star's superior religious faith or moral virtue), the shallow trivialization of religion (don't you think Jesus has more important things to worry about than who wins some crappy little award?), or the narcissism (the notion that, yes indeed, Jesus does care who wins, and he made me win because I'm the most special, dammit!). I've dreamed about someone walking up there one day to collect one of those fucking awards that no teacher gets and saying something like, "God must really not give a shit about who wins this award because I won and I'm an atheist."

Well, last year, as she collected her Emmy, Kathy Griffin pretty much said just that. The exact quote is as follows:

“Can you believe this shit? I guess hell froze over. … a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. So, all I can say is, "Suck it, Jesus!" This award is my god now.”

Her comments as spoken were much funnier than they read on the page. In this instance as in so many others, Kathy's humor is attitudinal and contextual; outside the context of that awards ceremony, and minus her inimitable timing, delivery, and facial expressions, those remarks may not seem that funny. But given where and how she said them, they were outrageously hilarious. Context is everything like Vygotsky posited. Don’t judge my class until you’ve taken it yourself. Then—judge away. It is your right.

Kathy's gimlet eye and no-bullshit sense of the absurd spares no one, least of all herself. One of the things I love about her is her utter frankness about qualities in herself that women are supposed to hide. I too am honest to my students. I try very hard to allow them to see the humor in being a teacher, in attempting to teach others how to do something that no one has the answers to, least of all you! To think that we should corral young minds and make them like us is so funny to me! We don't know and often if we do, don't like, who we are!

I think that like me though, underneath Kathy's self-deprecation lies a savvy, tough-minded professional with a healthy sense of self-respect and a shrewd appreciation of her own talent. She's perennially the underdog, it is true. And yet, while she's far from stuck-up or full of herself, she doesn't accept the second-rate niche Hollywood has carved out for her, either. She always tries to do her best, and she's forever trying to kick up her career up to the next level. She finds herself in many situations that are unworthy of her, humiliating, even -- for example, performing at 9:30 in the morning to trade shows full of un-hip, middle-aged straight guys who don't have a prayer of getting her humor. Even so, she plunges bravely ahead and gives it her best shot. She bombs and admits it. She has the heart and soul of a true human trooper, and I, for one, love her for that. I too don’t want to be mediocre, to settle for less, to let myself off the hook because something is hard or I “might get fired.”

Most of the time, though, Kathy keeps shit real by deploying her wicked sense of humor. She uses her penetrating wit to puncture the overstuffed egos and sense of entitlement of those reigning (in her world celebrities and in mine, administrators), and to call bullshit on such pieties as religion, compulsory chastity, mandatory ass-kissing of anyone, and not mocking the mockery we call government, to name a few. Kathy's honesty has alienated many people in the industry she works in, but she refuses to play nice, and she refuses to back down. The world could use a lot more like her and I want every student to get that. I want them to get that it isn’t about Kathy’s foul mouth, political agendas, or racy comments. It is about her right and ability to say them, to be a stand for who she is and what she thinks—to question the world in ways that make others think.

Did the “bad” teacher do something she shouldn’t have? Maybe--For some. For others, welcome to the far left, where nothing is off limits and, well the world is fucking hilarious. Play the game, people, or get off the fucking road. Here in SA, you drive too slow.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Oh yes...


And MY BACK still FUCKING HURTS as soon as the muscle relaxers wear off.

Okay, in regards to work:
One professor, I'll call Scraggley: She is the biggest baby, a loner, and someone who I also, do not care to work with. You know, she was my mentor? Ha! Every time I talk to her about the reading dept., she changes the subject and we end up talking about her (and my) animals. She is not a team player and runs to her daddy (boss boy) for counsel. Aren't we old enough to be professional and talk to the ones who we have the issue with. This 3321 issue (alignment etc) was strike three for me. She is NOT a reading professor! Seriously, if she doesnt want to align practices and make the dept. better, then she doesnt belong with us. Im done with her. She is invisible.

As for the office spaces: If they start building with all my shit in there and dust starts flying, Im protesting and getting a doctor's note for my allergies and any other possible condition dust can cause. Of course, the compensation will be hard to get...It takes friggin months for reinbursement for anything, you know.

Speaking of compensation: I HATE the way money works around here. Now, I am just going to put this out there. I am single which means there is one income in this household. Now, that means that by the time I pay my house, school loans, medical (from cancer long ago), cable, electric, and credit card, there is nothing much left. So, taking 2 months (which is very normal) is too long. I hold it on my credit card and get fees. I bet the fees Ive racked up are equal to the money Ive received from the university. I think it is single people prejudice. I do, I really do.

As per Boss Boy: He doesnt like me-and truthfully, I think he is an idiot. I wont work on the PDAI with him, and I hate that he is head of anything. What the hell does he do all day? He prolly wants that fucking closed in office so he can hide easier, keep his stacks messier, and segregate more from those who attempt to hold him accountable.

Funny to mention the idea of minutes, as I mentioned it to him in the travel meeting.

Jen: You know, Jim, this is a lot of info. Are we reporting it in the faculty meeting.

Boss Boy: Yes.

Jen: WE should take minutes in our committees, that way we can remember all of it and report during the big faculty meeting. Should I take notes?

Boss Boy: I'll tell everyone.

Jen: (writing anyway)

Boss Boy: Divine, can I have your notes to be sure and remember it all for the faculty meeting.

Jen: No.

So, my question is: Did we hear about travel? Did we get numbers? Does Jim know how much we are spending? He signed off on 5,000$ for one professor and so far, 2,000 on me. Dumbass.


Ebough about work. the real story here is that my baby dog, Mitzie Mouser, 13 years old was bitten and shaken at the ghetto dog park we USED to go to down by work. She has a sprained neck, bad bite wound, and a cornea scratch. Fuck pit bulls and German Shepherds. One picked her up from under the picnic table where she was resting in the shade, dragged her, and shook her back and forth like a rag doll. We were both shaking. Please send love to her in your thoughts. I cant lose her, I just cant.I ran over, grabbed her shaking body and began stroking her with which she winced and cried. We both have cried. After the money at the emergency vet for antibiotics, pain, xrays, blood work, and visit, we are both sad and depressed. What a week, what a fucked up week.

This week has got to be better. I am observing student teachers tomorrow morning and then working some...Ill be home early to check on the Mouse. I feel bad leaving her for any length of time. My sweet, sweet girl. Even Zoey knows something is wrong. I caught Zoe licking Mitzie's back (where the bite was)earlier. Now Mouser is in her UT shirt which covers the owie.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Conservationist to Consumist

I forgot to tell everyone the tidal wave news. Last week, I opened my water bill. $600 worth of water bill was staring at me. So, I immediately called, figured out how to read the meter, and freaked out when the meter reading came back as correct and that in the last 10 days since the reading, I had used another 19,000 gallons. In total? 52,000 gallons of water for a bill of over $1,000. The sprinkler guy has been out and fixed the issue, but how can I, someone who moved to conserve the environment, someone who diligently recycles, lives fairly green, handle the fact of 52,000 wasted gallons? Every single time I turn on the water, I think about it. Can I ever call myself (the girl who tried to take the styrofoam cup back to Sonic to have them refill it, a conservationist? Poor me (literally and figuratively), soggy yard, and a back that is so painful!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Had my Birthday...


So, its been awhile since my last post. So, here goes. My birthday came and went. I ate cake and more cake. Jackie and Shelly, my reading colleagues took me to lunch and brought a wonderful little white cake to celebrate. They also got me this fun, charm bracelet with a big rhinestone shoe on it and a fabulous purple wallet. Bling! It was wonderful to spend the time laughing and eating with them both. Then, I went to Austin for a little shin-dig put on by Loretta. We ate carrot cake, drank wine, gin and tonics and other sundry quaffs. I had a great time juggling all of the people and realizing how many "walks of life" my friends come from. I only invited a few, but to see Dawn and Claudia was terrific. Dawn even bought me a pair of shoes! Funny thing though, they are the exact shoes as Shelly bought the other day. Who else wears pink high heel thongs with diamond rings emblazoned all over it? Well, Shelly and I obviously. So, that is the birthday saga.

All the girl-animals are good. Cita is loud, Mouser is quiet, and Zoey is a handful. My back is out and I have been in bed all day.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sleeping



My bed and my sleeping pills are driving me nuts. My bed hurts my back. The taco spot is directly in the middle and where some tacos (okay, most tacos) are yummy, this one sucks. The sleeping pills the doctor gave me to help me sleep, do just that: they help me sleep. Now, without them, I am awake and it is 4am. Ive been "in bed" since 12 tossing and turning, waking, getting an ice pack, taking Tylenol, taking a coveted back-spasm pill,moving the dog to the floor, moving the cat to the floor, pacing, getting an ice cream sandwich, and now, blogging. I am about to buy a fucking temperpedic, $2,0000 bed and say, "The hell with it." Maybe playing "hunt for the best price online" will make me feel better. Now I am laying in bed with like 5 pillows propping me up. Maybe I'll be a zombie for Halloween.

Enough bitching-no, wait, one more thing. My face broke out on Thursday and I have giant, red zits exploding from my chin, forehead, and under my nose. To top off the pain and sorrow from that, they are the "pop and re-pop kind." Poor me.

On a more pleasant note, and mow that I got all the bitching out, I went to California this weekend. Yes, I jetted to LA for 48 hours. It felt like deja vu when I hit the Austin airport. For my birthday (which is Thursday) Diane gave me a companion pass to fly with her when she went to LA. Double fun. I got to see Jody AND I got to sit talk with Diane for 3 hours each way. I miss them both. So, I drove to Austin on Friday morning and the crack of dawn and dropped the mutts off at Aunt Wretta's. Diane picked me up and we hurriedly parked her purple car in the $7 lot and caught the parking lot bus to the departures. It was one of those, "Hurry, the bus is leaving and we are late" moments, only to arrive at the bus and it is on break. You know the kind. I graded horrible edpsych papers the whole way and Diane did crosswords. Once we got there, Diane rented a car to go to her sister's in Santa Monica, I hitched along and Jod met us there as we arrived-literally. As Diane and I pulled up to her little sister Josie,s, Jody was there with her ever attached GPS. Leaving Diane, we went to Venice beach to eat and walk the boardwalk. 2 hours of talking about everything from politics to her baby tooth, we walked the lively beach, never really getting in the sand and instead settling for noticing the people and the beach homes. I love architecture. That night I had a horrible stomachache from the mass amounts of food we ate and lunch and Jody had been up since 4:45 so we made like old people and splayed out watching her 37'' television. On Saturday, we went to an Italian street fair where we sampled pizza and ravioli, pesto and gelato. We even saw the pope carved from wood. Is it wrong to call the Pope Woody? After walking Hollywood Blvd. and Jody internally thinking the car was stolen, we headed to Melrose Ave where neither of us bought a damn thing. You know I still wasnt totally feeling well as one of the shoe places offered us 50% off and I still coulndt find a damn thing that I wanted-and they were nice shoes. No Fluevog-no nuttin. Trader Joes (which we need in Austin so badly) and wine, and cheese and great chatting, we ended the evening with the first season of Dexter. Well, I did. Jody fell asleep after one episode and I watched close to 4. HE is so cute! How can a murderer be so damn cute? I was on the floor at this point because that is when my back began the spasm. In the morning we went to my favorite coffee shop, Aroma Cafe, in Studio City to meet Diane. It was a Sunday so the masses were out with their puppies and the weather was perfect. I was jealous that Jody was going to stay and work some after Diane and I left. Left we did. I graded, she crossworded. Season premiere of Dexter at Loretta's upon my return and the most yummy meatloaf made at my request. Who would have ever thought that meatloaf would become a favorite meal? Meat and Loaf together in one brilliant pan...I could almost puke thinking about the raw meat...and then, the image switches to the taste. Delicious. Loretta is the bomb-bigity cook. I drove to San Antonio at 10. The end.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

"I work my a&^ off, Jeff!"

Work: Found out today that we have a new, revised, budget for travel-for the jet-setting conferences that they want us doing. $2000. Now, I am not saying that is something to shun, but it is a problem when they tell us today, after we have worked our asses off to get the proposals in, to do reviews, and to be accepted. It's too late. They need to pay for the work we did. I shouldnt have to choose after I was told I could go. It doesnt seem fair.

Home: Last Friday my work threw me a housewarming-actually the new hire (who is lovely and sweet) did most of the work, including buying decorations (it was a Morrocan theme with throw pillows and candles all over). It was a fun time with much alcohol (maybe too much for me) and most everyone from work. Come 5, I was worried because no one was here. Then, everyone in a little house-with much food. I think the party ended at 11, and I was left to clean up crock pot cheese in the morning. I cant wait to have my favorites back!

I head to LA to visit my best buddy Jody Friday, just for the weekend. Now, I must take Zoey to the park. Hope she doesnt eat a duck!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Mitzie Mouse Tells It From Jail



So, for those of you that "got in," through the metal detectors and around the bend. My blog had to go incognito as my chair found it, read it, and made a joke about it! So, it is all ephemeral now. Like real life, you see me and then you dont.

As for work, classes are crazy and for some reason this semester, I am funny. I cant seem to stop making jokes as examples! It is weird. I am beginning to balance but it will again increase on Monday when I have to add in the field based portions.

On the home front, it is animal central. Mitzie is mad most of the time, upset, and walks around with her head down. She bites at Zoey if she gets too close. Zoey is non-stop energy. I walk her 2 miles in the morning and ride my bike while she runs for another 2 in the evening. Still, she is hyper. Woosh. On Thursday she goes to doggie daycare, has a special young girl hired to drive her home, feed both, walk both, before I come home at 10:30. Should I let her go another day?

People from work put together a house warming for me on Friday. Im nervous. As I have been dealing with all this depression, I am more interested in being alone. I like to walk the animals and think, zone with the TV, work around the house on little tasks...I dont want to have to be "me." Im not sure who she is but I have to play her.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I'm scared, are you?




What does matter about Palin? What it tells you about McCain.

Here I’m echoing an emerging consensus, but I think it’s basically right on. First, there are reports appearing now that McCain himself, as well as Lindsay Graham, had been pushing for either Ridge or Lieberman as the running mate, but they were daunted by opposition from anti-abortion Republicans to either choice. If this is true, this tells you that McCain isn’t going to be able to govern as a “maverick” or independent. He’s the nominee, it’s his campaign to run, but he doesn’t feel able to do what he wants.

Second, look at what he does when he’s up against difficulty or opposition: he does something which is wildly impulsive, with almost no planning or forethought. The one thing you could say about the invasion of Iraq is that there was a lot of planning that went into the intention to invade: the evidence now suggests that the Bush Administration came into power with a possible attack on Iraq at the top of their wish list, well before 9/11, and were quick to execute that plan when the opportunity arose. In the current global and domestic situation, I really don’t want someone in the Oval Office who comes up against a difficult and confusing situation and says, “Fuck it, go drop some paratroopers over there. No, I don’t want to do scenarios and planning, I just want to do it. Go.”

The more details about Palin that come out, the more it becomes clear that she is an appalling choice to be a vice-president for a President who has a reasonable chance of becoming ill or dying in office. And the more it becomes clear that the McCain campaign scarcely bothered to vet or review her as a choice. This is another reason why politically no one should talk about her family or personal choices, because there are plenty of other issues. But chiefly, it all comes back to McCain himself, and what this says about the kind of decision-maker he would be as President.Oh yes, and let's make a pregnancy pact and not tell anyone the outcome for 7 months. Whose in?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Who is this person?



called ME. I think I have multiple personality disorder. I am Jen to friends when they are happy with me and Jenny when they are trying to be more formal. I am Dr. Wilson when I am rebelling, talking my heart out, teaching those out there to think and act; I'm Jenny Wilson when I am not seen, ubiquitous, and common. I am Mom to a variety of deities. I am someone that I don't recognize sometimes, a person with traits I've never seen, and a person with talent and skill I've never experienced. I am someone with good fashion sense and someone with the worst weekend-wear coined. I am a daughter who is bored by the complacency and whose family lives Norman Rockwallian cerebrally. I am a sister who loves her brother, hopes for his success beyond belief, but is scared for the lives of all of us involved. I am a best friend, to whom I don't know, but to someone. I am a grand-daughter who washes the feet of her grandpa and takes her grandma to drink a margarita, in a most dedicated and holy way, wishing they could live forever and ever, amen.

Wow-that is deep. Maybe this blog should just have daily activities...oh, then it would be: slept, walked dogs, ate, worked, ate, walked dogs, slept, walked dogs, ate, worked, ate, walked dogs...you get the idea.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Fist-In the Desk

One of the most embarassing moments ever-

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Shit Tornado


So, I just got home from a 12 hour work day and the house was full of the heavy aroma of shit. Little Zoey Scooter was left in my bedroom, door shut but able to roam inside freely. Why was she free? Because I felt bad about having her in her little kennel for 12 hours. So, I left her out. When I came home, Mouser was happy and jumpy and excited. She seemed her old self (no pun intended) until I asked her if she wanted to go get Zoey. She looked at me like, "No, not really." Opening the door, there was Zoey, tangled in my bra (which was hanging on the door nob). She had it hooked on her all day and proceeded to shit and walk in it all day, back and forth. It was a shit tornado. She had to have a bath it was so bad. I think I am done. Mitz is upset, Carmencita is ready to pack and move out, and I am tired. I think she is going to go stay a bit with Aunt Loretta and see if she can help us. Otherwise, I think I will have to let her go. I think I will cry if I have to. Is sending her to Aunt Wretta like sending an unruly child to her dad?

Work is busy-too busy. Im overwhelmed and trying hard and I am afraid by the time I get to my 17pm-10pm class, my neurons aren't firing and I am mush. I didn do a very good job tonight, even though I was ready, had read, and planned.

Lastly, I am adding some pictures of the dog and my house...There you go Mom!

Monday, September 1, 2008


I worked hard all weekend until I just had to say stop. Only a couple things got done, but it was the best I could do. Everything seems to take longer than I thought. Even this case of the hiccups is resisting my plea to finish already. I did the strands for the National Drop Out Committee, Read Anita's thesis, read some for the assessment class. I didnt work out but I didnt watch TV either. I worked and the list should be longer, I must find time to write for me. Where is that time? I think I need to make my life busier. I was so productive when I was busy to the max. Is that what I need? I think I am going to volunteer at the SNIPSA place or the humane society or something.

Tomorrow I will load up Mouse and Zoey and head to Austin, returning with just one dog. I feel the tears and lonesomeness coming. Ive definitely caught my mom's disease. Carmencita the cat is the only one who is fine with Zoey going. Blow the foghorn!